Finally Free.

The woman nervously stammered as she relaid her predictiment. Dan D was stunned. He was filled with consternation. He was dumbfounded on how to react. She told him how she was constantly emotionally, physically and sexually abused by the man she at first thought was her mentor. She asked if Dan D. Walker could help her once and for all escape her tormentor

“You escaped him now”replied Walker in a reassuring tone.
“I can’t go on like this. I got away from his clutches yet somehow or another. Either him or his faithful henchmen will find me.. You must I beg of you to help me to get away from his clutches. I know you’re the only one who understands. You know what its like to feel the sting of the only attention is one to be stared at…jeered at. He wants to completely destroy my confidence. I felt so sorry for you at the “World’s Cheapest Freak show. To be seen as a deformity rather than a man. The brawny Texan felt a lump in his throat. He saw he was not alone in his feelings of odd person out. He held her tightly, partly because of gratitude and to show he truly cared. Walker tenderly bowed his head toward the bullied woman..The light from the moon shone on the soft curves of her tender neck. Her golden brown eyes lit up as she realized at last she found the man willing and able to help her escape the clutches of the man who did his best to hold her prisoner in her own apartment. Now thanks for Daniel Delbert Walker she was at last free of his clutches.

On the Ground Below his Hotel Notices a Hot Looking Woman.

Part Two
Daniel Delbert Walker looked out his bedroom picture window he immediately noticed a young woman with copper canyon daisies in her flaxen hair. She shouted “Howdy! to him He ambled toward his room door Walker didn’t know what to make of the brash woman. Her screechy yell was as inviting as bathing in poison ivy. Dan told himself he was as into gals as most men but this much. Still he was curious about her. Once he was outside in the dark, the sliver of a moon silvery gray with a brisk breeze he saw how foolish he was standing there sans overcoat in the bitter cold: He saw the cars and cabs whizzing by on the nearby highway.
“Oh, there you are!” she purred swinging her tote as if it were magnet drawing in the handsome cowboy,. “Do your Texan now; Tex!” Startled. he stumbled. His pride sunk as he landed on his back side, Dan D, wished he wore his heavy wool coat to cushion his backside He wished he could cushion his pride too. . There the woman was, standing a few feet from him, laughing her head off. Then pulled her daisie against her smug face. A glimmer of the moonliight fell across the scene as Walker tried to move his sore knees. Where did she come from? What did she want from him? It seemed as if she just suddenly appeared out of thin air. If only she wasnt so brazen. Gyratng her hips over his sore body and wounded pride. Her limpid gray eyes gazing as if he was a prize specimin
The Texan found it hard to concentrate in the brisk weather.It wasn’t as if he feared her physically.She was a slip of a woman. It was her bold brashinessthat threw him off guard.
The brawny Texan sauntered on bsck to the hotel room entrace. “Don’t leave me here.” she screamed.. Stunned he asked her why. The woman tried to tell him but the words got caught in her throat. They both stood there , gazing at each other trying to find answers –
“You ” she said. your face, is wilful, yet firm, strong chin, caring eyes. “Don’t presume this is a coincidence we’re here.she said “If you help it could save my life.” Her hand reached out to the rugged man’s hand.. “Time is running out for me?she said, bitterly; “Please don’t be ignorant. Help me.Walker was stunned. She lunged towards him in desperation. Can you understsnd how desperate I am?” “I’m asking for help from a near total stranger?”
Suddenly Dan. D recollected he saw her several times staring at him at the freak show. The color left his face as he remembered how her expression back then was one of darkness. It was like there was no understamdomg in her contenance. Yet there was no malice either.. “Please don’t be frightened” I need you to help me get there as I am.” “Yes,” she said, resolutely “my brother–” An expression of utter horror came into her face. “What on earth can I do?”
“It’s all right;,” D.D. Walker said,reassuringly. . Suddenly they heard sirens, Dan D. immediately noticed her eyes followed closely the route of the cop car. “I got to run” she said. Off she ran. The Texan gasped as the lady kickef her high heels. Walker made frantic gestures to hasten. her back to him. But she completely ignored them. . “Sa-ay!” he drawled she sure is stranger than a three headed frog. First she’s pleading for my help Next moment she’s off to the hills. I’m getting weary of this. What in tarnation is going on? . I just know we was talkin’ to each other commented Dan in his thick Texan drawl. ” two people who got caught the the moment. We stood together, gazed in to our eyes and next I knew she fled.. She pleaded for help. I’m attempting to collect my thoughts and make sense of of the incedent. Without a second hesitaton Dan D. ran after the woman. He tried to see what was happening into some logical sequence But the harder he thought, the more illogical the experience seemed How for Heaven’s sake did he ever get jured into a woman who was nearly a total stranger to him. If only he could discover her situation? What blind luck tobe encountered by her. What was her problem? The Texas man thought of going to Google to seek more info on her. Heck every major search engine such as Yahoo, Bing, Ask and many more.
Dan D. sensed the situation was urgent.. He looked at the highway. “The poor little thing!” he thought I am so worried about her. I must persue her to find out what’s going on with her. To be continued.

“Dan. D. Walker Emerging Life from the World’s Cheapest Freak Show”

Dan D. Walker, former exhibit of the “World’s Cheapest Freak show” swaggered into his room at the “Long Horn Grand Hotel” in Beaumont TX . He smiled as he noticed how manly the Western style furtniture looked. He liked how the raw hide leather seats looked so comfy. The rustic bed with the firm mattress and pillows was to his joy filled eyes the epitamy of nightly comfort. The rustic decor hues of warm crimson , sunny yellows and raw umber was the perfect color combination in his view.

The broad shoulders 6’2 brawny Texan reflected on how his life was dramatically different. He winced as he remembered his life in the freak show as the Texan with the accent so thick no one could understand. The man sighed as he recalled no one could understand him….literally. Lady Lynda was heaven sent he told himself to him him elocution lessons. Thanks to her , Dan D. thought he now could live finally a life of real purpose.

Dan D. Walker decided to survey his room. It was then he suddenly noticed a soapy bucket leaning against the wide screen TV. He assumed it was the maid’s. Dan. D. recalled how his dear sweet mother taught to always help others if he could. He decided to walk to the hotel lobby to tell the management what he found in his room. Walker figured he’d enjoy exploring the place where he stayed. Besides it would be much more personable to go in person vs calling on his room’s phone.
The Texan delighted in seeing the original George Caitlin paintings of the old west on the cream colored walls. It felt good walking on the carpet. The decor was so stylish to him. It felt wonderful that he was staying in such a deluxe, comfortable hotel.
Walker took a deep breath and breathed in his rugged chest the wondrous scent of exhilerating woodsy cedar. He loved the sensous odor of that woody, spicy essential oil. It was his favorite spice. It reminded him of the cedar closet when he was a little boy back in Flugleville Texas.
He grinned as he thought of how much was so changed in his life. From a lowly freak to staying in a grand hotel. The one woman he was most thankful for was Mrs Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze. It was she who transformed him into what he is today, an airport worker.
Suddenly as he continued to count his blessings, a woman called out to him. To be continued

Hot Halloween Nightmare at the NYC Roof Top Bar.

The eerie atmosphere was so thick at the hotel roof top bar even a butcher knife couldn’t cut through it Tonight was the yearly Halloween party. The bohemian patrons talked glibly amongst themselves. They chatted mostly of Hallowed Eve. One of the guests , Auntie Carol mentioned she believed in reincarnation. That she was in a past life a Titanic victiim. That notion she confided in her friend made her think of herself as being utterly fearful of even putting her toesies in the Atlantic Ocean at the shore.
This was the evening the guests believed was the eve where the spirits were set free. That anyone could sense a spirit of something not quite right. Virtually everyone including the young personable bartender was conscience that this was no conventional night.
The bar was filled with practically every square foot with bizarre knick knacks. One of the strangest was a set of four brass hands on the wall with a light bulb in the palm. The fingers reached out to whoever was there. As if if one wasn’t careful they would grab you and never let go. There were a number of deer heads, organ grinder monkeys twisted in grotesque positions

Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol wondered why they picked such an bizarre place. The ladies smiled with delight as they saw the many patron in their Halloween costumes. Some women were dressed as vixens, witches and sexy warlocks. Others in myriad number of colorful costumes. The forty something couple dressed so fashionably in the height of fashion in the era of the Titanic caught their attention the most
The woman was dressed in alight cream hued silk high waisted bodice and flowing skirt. Top part of her evening gown to the bottom of her breast was done in the most intricate brocade that resembled songbirds all a flutter On her neck were 1910s style diamond necklace with chunks of jewels of white brilliance. Attached to the necklace were more diamonds with one of them dangling centrally down. Her pearl hued elbow length fancy gloves went well with her dress. Her curly hair was in a topknot that showed off her soft dove like eyes. Her features pert. Her male companion was the height of fashion for that era. On his head was a black stovepipe hate. His hair was dark brown, parted in the middle. His “Arrow” style starched collar complemented so dashingly his vested suit and matching navy with white pin stripes suit.
The Titanic couple seemed to Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol rather out of place being dressed as the expression goes to the nines in this unseasonably warm weather. It looked as if authenticity was the couple’s first priority The mood at the chic rooftop suddenly grew quiet. If was as if the guests there was anxiously waiting for a quite important announcment
“We’ d like to shake everyone’s hand here….to show our hospitality to you all.” We’ll start with these two women dressed in the latest 50s fashion” the woman announced.

Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol gushed with pride. As the two friends and colleagues shook the partner’s hands they immediately felt cold clammy flesh. Toze’s wife and Herman Emma’s partner explained the coldness as a sudden drop the drop in temperature. At least she hoped that was the reason.
The two women nervously perused their surroundings. The lounge furniture, the bohemian retro knick knacks, the glam chandeliers seemed the same except for the sudden icy cold gust. Next moment the two dressed to the teeth in the height of 1912 fashion perused the room. As they did so lights suddenly flickered. The fingers of hands with the bulb in their palms made grasping movements. Many of the patrons including Auntie Carol, Lady Lynda started screaming. Virtually every heart took a sudden leap. Some of the tipsy guests wondered if they were only imagining what was happenng to them.
The cassette tape was playing the old 50s song “Little Demon” by Screaming Jay Hawkins. The chorus of nonsense syllables sent chills down the listeners spines. Hawkins with his high pitched shrieks and sudden moans sounded as if he was summoning demons. “Hard as a rock, dry as a bone…Big or little, know that I will take you home.I really don’t like it…ain’t nothin’I can do.I really don’t like it…I’m leaving it to you.” The song fit perfectly the spookiness of the rooftop bar.
The customers rushed toward the elevators. Just then Auntie Carol as she ran to the elevator noticed the hypnotizing cluster of jewels on the Titantic women’s wrist. Their power overwhelmed her. She strove to escape but soon realized it was futile. They were calling and she must do their bidding. Auntie Carol was compelled to follow the ghostly woman.
“If you follow me you I’ll give you a surprise that you’ll never forget.” the ghost woman told Auntie Carol. Lady Lynda’s friend and fellow etiquette expert was intrigued yet nervous. She was silent trying to see how she should react. Especially when she no idea what to expect. It could be a trap she skittishly thought. She felt her skin getting sweaty despite the cool temperature of the room. All she sensed she could do was to wait and see. She stood there staring at what she understand as the abyss. She cautiously reminded herself that she was in the realm of the unknown and it was best she’d be careful. This was real. It wasn’t a dream.
Lady Lynda watched in horror as she saw her friend follow the ghostly couple. The scene reminded her of children’s fairy tales where the innocent little girls and boys are lured by monsters disguised as sweet friendly creatures. She observed the spirits softly cooing like canaries at Auntie Carol to come hither with them. She noticed too the man pretty much stayed behind but still holding hands with his partner.
“I know where you are taking me” Auntie Carol said in a hypnotic tone to the couple. Hearing what her colleague said made Lady Lynda feel in deep bad humor. Her heart began to palpate. It was too early to tell what would happen next. Where were they leading her? Could she escape in time?
Soon within minutes Auntie Carol found out. The female apparition pointed to the clock. “The time will quickly pass. You will find yourself as if surrounded by cold icy water. Then there will be peace. Then you are going to be as before but with a knowledge you never knew.
The woman closed her eyes for a moment. She relived her incarnations Titanic drowning. and then she opened them and the couple was gone. There was a sense of peace. The visions were gone never to come back any more.
“Auntie Carol” my poor dear. What happened?!!! Auntie Carol gleefully replied. ” My nightmare is finally ended. I’m free from a burden that affected me all my life. I finally faced my fears. Free at last. No more nightmares of the Titanic as Poe would of said” for ever more.”

“Oh the Poor Dears”

Darling,” Lady Lynda said to her amorous partner Seymour Toze, we must help these poor unfortunate. I’m looking for the lady with no sense of direction. I’m afraid she’s wandering around like Hamlet’s ghost. I am reminded o that move, “Freaks” where the little people attack that full sizestatuesque floozy girl.

“I think I do. replied Toze nonchalently “Remember last night we watched the 30s movie cult classic “Freaks” The one directed by Todd Browning who directed “Dracula” with Bela Legosi. From a story by Tom Robbins “Spurs” They were really freaky there. the half boy whose body stopped at the ribcage and the fat lady, the Siamese twin sisters who looked like they were stapled together, Daisy and Violet Hilton, the other Hilton sisters, the bearded woman, the ultra thin man, the pinheads, the He she and so many others. Oh those twin sisters were really close to each other. But not nearly as close as we are to each other. You know the fat lady reminds me the career counselor at the special school in Allentown told super fat Mike how as long as there was a side show he’d never fear unemployment. That was so dear of him to look after FatMike’s welfare. Do you know where the train schedule is?” “Yes I do” replies Lynda. With that she gets the timetable and they check it out.”

They get to the Intercourse PA train station in ninety minutes. They notice plastered throughout the station and just outside it, posters for “The World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” The two check out one of them and they discover its a short walk from where they are.

“Well here we are the world’s cheapest freak show.” Let’s see if it lives up to its name”

They enter the exhibit. “I am really glad I’m here. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with freaks. When I was six my parents gave me a book with photos of a two headed turtle and two headed snake. I remember seeing “Ressurection” movie on TV and a little boy pets a two headed snake. “Speaking of snakes does that remind you of anything?” “I deign say so.”

The tape is narrated by the actress Megan Fox who was born with stubby thumbs. With her melliflous voice she explains that due to the economy the major freaks moved on. This is all the town can afford. She tells the listener to turn right and walk a few short steps to the first exhibit where a pleasant looking young man is standing. He is dressed in a dark brown wool blazer with a blue and white thin vertical striped cotton shirt. He is wearing Gap jeans. He wears clunky brown shoes with white socks. His nose is somewhat large but not so much to be disconcerting. Dark brown hair and eyes. Lady Lynda being too too shy to ask herself, asks Seymour to question him. Toze wanting to please his Lady Lynda inquires why he’s there. “Unfortunately I developed a deviated septum. The bone and cartilage dividing the two nostrils is crooked. Oh the terrible unfairness of an invisible disability. If I was crippled, blind, a hunchback people would understand. But no I had to be born with a physical deformity nobody would know unless I tell them. Its so terribly unfair.”

Feeling deeply sorry for him they leaves. Toze mentions he won’t sleep tonight thinking of that poor unfortunate soul.

Next they notice a tall stout woman singing from the opera “Die Kluge” best known for the Opera singer Elizabeth Schwartzkopf. Her composure, atttiude is overbearing. This time it’s obvious what her freakishness is. She is completely tone deaf. She wears the Valkerie helmet with upturned horns. The problem she doesn’t realize it and her voice booms as she walks through the exhibit hall. Lady Lynda remembers on every April Fool’s day her elementary school principal would play a recording of some society woman who gave free opera concerts who was as least as terrible a singer as the Die Kluge woman.

The twosome next entered the exhibit’s snack bar. They see a woman with crooked little fingers serving the tea. She tells them she is grateful the local voc. rehab hooked her up with her current employment. She told them she found her true calling. She was born the way she was so she could be accepted as a professional tea pourer. She tells them she was constantly being fired from her typing jobs because of being born with little fingers she was incapable of straightening out. She lets Lynda and Seymour know its medical term is “Camptodactaly”

All the while, while Lynda and Seymour and others are walking throughout the exhibition a woman constantly bumps into them. They try to steer her in the proper direction. But as they do so, no matter how many times they try to redirect her, she winds up right back bumping into them. They realize she is part of the show. She is the woman with absolutely no sense of direction. She wears brown leather and white saddle oxfords with white anklet a cotton flared skirt just below her knees, with an elephant prin, carnation pink long sleeved woolen top. Her posture is constantly leaning forward as if she is in a hurry. She wears thick horn rimmed tortoise shell glasses. Her features are pointy, sharp. She goes by the name of Molly Sue Pendergrass.

Next the two comes across a man with Texas accent. He is wearing a Stetson hat, mahogony red cowboy boots with gold spurs, a red , white and blue flannel shirt. On his shirt is a Nascar fan button. He wears Wranglers Jeans. He’s 6’3 and built. He’s rugged looking like a middle aged Clint Eastwood. His thick Texas twang is so exotic to the locals. He is seen as a fascinating curiosity. They’ve never seen anything like him. They presume he’s from some exotic land.

As they are about to leave Seymour Toze tries to get a feel of his ladyfriend’s buttocks. But Lady Lynda being the lady that she is, thwarts him every time he tries to cop a feel. But being a typical disgusting male , Seymour does what he feels what he must do. He is a man and he feels he needs to live up to his nature. He refuses to give up. He’ll get that buttocks feel from Lady Lynda yet. And then he’ll casually reach around to her curvy bossom.

Just then the local hermaphrodite noticed what Seymour is doing. The freak yells at him “Trying to get cop a feel. Look at those knockers at that babe.” Immediately next is a somewhat high pitched feminine voice saying ” How uncouth, you cad. Remember you’re dealing with a lady too.” In a deep manly voice “You manipulative bitch”

“You mind your own business you disgusting freak. I’ll tell you what you can do…. You can go fuck yourself.”

The freak of nature says” “Well that’s better than what you can do. You’re just jealous. I’m self contained”

“Lady Lynda is the one for me” responds Seymour Toze.

“Oh Seymour my hero. my dear, you are so clever”

“Thank you my darling. I think we’ve seen enough of this place. Let’s find our ways out of here so we can be together at last once more. “

Lady Lynda Continues to Expound

Lady Lynda, sitting on her rose pink divan, fanned herself to try to eliminate her vapors. The now celebrity etiquette expert was hard at work thinking up some bon mots for her upcoming  in Rose Tree PA. Roses enlivened her tender sensibilities. The flowers of love. Yet as she polished her manners tidbits she basked in the glow of continuing spectaculsr tour. Yes she at last found her true calling. She would talk about how utterly important decorum was in virtually every situation. It was essential for men and women to be mannerly. The worst fault was to be uncouth. One must consistently be couth.

With her fountain pen , the lady of Seymour Toze began to write in an elegant lady like cursive script some notes. If it was a font it would be Edwardian Script ITC The very idea of using the writing word program on her computer was so plebian.

The woman told her self she was say the following at her talk. To even mention, let alone sing the “Band” song sung by Levon Helm “Stage Fright” to many actors and actresses would be the height of cruelty. These are such sensitive souls. Those poor dears with their rapacious fans. It would be the height of disrespect. Speaking of that word, never mention height to a little person. That phrase rubs it in that they’re vertically challenged. On the other extreme, the height of considerateness is to be sensitive to other’s feelings. D. They might think you’re rubbing it in. What ever you do don’t ever give a dwarf short shrift.

Lady Lynda was ready for whatever she experienced. She took to the stage like a matador takes to the arena. She was proud, bold and most of all knew her calling. This was the career she was born to do. Good manners was her destiny, her mission in life. The middle aged woman appeared the height of style and sophistication with her prim mauve organza dress.

The proud woman stood as tall as she could with her five feet one frame. At least she made it pass the minimal requirements of the civil rights group for really short statured persons. Yes she barely made it but she did make it. But there for the grace of the LORD she poured her heart to those who were less fortunate than her, heightwise.

“I know I’m old fashion. This may seem quite quaint to you young men and woman here. I believe couples should be celibate before marriage. Remember no hanky panky. She waved her index finger at them. A quick kiss on the cheek is fine but please don’t get out of line. A chaste kiss on the lips. And other tips. A gentle embrace as you gaze at each others face.

One impudent young man stood up. He shouted “Isn’t that from a song by “Three Dog Night?”
Lady Lynda looked confused. She wondered what the chap was referring to. What did the American and Irish band do with celibacy, Her expression was that of consternation. The man who was showed such impudence began singing “Celibate, celibate, dance to the music.”

“No, no that’s not it at all. I fear you don’t know what I mean. she proclaimed indignantly. For your edification it means…I know what it means dearie. I was only joking with you. Can’t you take a joke? “I can’t take rudeness, disrespect. Getting back to what I was saying. Two people in a relationship should refrain from consumating it before becoming man and wife.”

“Every romantic twosome should respect each others chastity. Young ladies I think we talk honestly I feel you should draw the line. She touched her neck. Not here and certainly not here” With that sentiment and feeling she educated the crowd she walked off with a self confident smile on her pert pink lips. She beamed with pride as she exited the stage with thunderous applause.


Lady Lynda’s First Lecture


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Lady Lynda stepped up from the wood side steps to the stage. Once she got there her signs of nervousness disappeared. She quickly perused the mostly young to middle aged crowd. Her observation was couples in various ethnic groups, including blacks and Hispanics. She tastefully cleared her throat and started lecturing. The middle aged woman looked demure in her lemon chiffon sheath.
“I am truly grateful you came here to see my teach you proper manners. Can you imagine how thrilled I am to be on this tour. I want to thank you from the cockles of my heart…”

Suddenly a young rowdy male teenager in tee and jeans yelled “WTF lady!!!”

Lady Lynda replied “My dear young man. I understand what you are trying to say. Allow me to tell you my talk is only tonight. I’m terribly sorry but its not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too.”

Lady Lynda partook from the cup nearby. “Its only water. I think it was be the height of impropriety to drink something stronger. I’m certain you get my drift. Getting back to my talk. Etiquette is the art of making people feel comfortable. Specifically my mission is to save young womenkind of hellocious influence of this dastardly world. Do your utmost never to disparage anyone. If you need to do so, do it discreetly. In that way they won’t get hurt. As they say what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Please don’t comment on disparities too. For instance if you see a man whose 2’8” and a man whose over 8′ don’t say well thats the short and the tall of it. Pardon the sentiment of telling a person with different colored eyes. Well one blew this and the other blew that way. These two examples bring back the time Seymour and I visited the World Cheapest Freak Show in Intercourse PA. Stop tittering. That’s the height of decadence. I forlornly remember the star freak was a man with a deviated septum. The poor dear I thought but for the grace of the LORD there go I. Here’s a different example If you ever meet siblings who were born conjoined twins never mention the song by Peaches and Herb “Reunited. I deign believe it would traumatize the poor dears. Let them go their separate ways. I recall some years ago a dear woman friend called me in the middle of night. She was utterly distraught discovering her favorite male movie star was bald. I consoled her by mentioning ‘Look what he’d save in hair products. Why the snickering?” Lady Lynda inquired puzzled and rather miffed.

Some slutty young woman yelled “That’s not the only benefit. Besides I could really use a “Snickers” right now. as she snickered.

“Pray tell what ever could be some other good in being hair deprived?

A sassy young woman dressed in a purple shag hair style, matching make up in the latest Goth fashion yelled “A different benefit comes to be me right away” She emphasized the word comes ever so slightly but enough that many of the individuals there quickly understood her drift.

Lady Lynda still puzzled decided to ignore the woman who so intensely reminded her of the female charges of the “Charm School for Wayward Girls” If only this dear waif was so unfortunate not be part of her class. Maybe if she ignored her crude remark and continued on with her talk, the poor dear just might learn a thing about proper manners. Such as not interrupting with crude remarks.

Lady Lynda continued smoothing out her fine lemon chiffon dress to regain her composure. “Moving on I remember the other day I was walking through the corridor of a subway station. A young man came up to me and said he wanted to let his thing do its thing with me. I told him of course constructively yet firmly. That was the worst pick up line ever!!!” Besides thing is such a general term. He looked peeved at me but it was for his own edification. I told you won’t impress if you are redundant. Let me repeat. Noone likes someone who uses redundancies.”

“Speaking of being redundant I hope you were edified by my talk and I continue my tour. I wish you adeiu my dears.”

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Well, I have news to share. Lady Lynda shall not accompany me in the Primrose Detective agency in my criminal sleuthing. She will continue on the lecture circuit, teaching our young ladies decorum and manners. I consider it a meritorious undertaking. People need to know proper manners and morals in these hellacious times. Man was born a savage and needs the ameliorating effect of such instruction. A lady is to draw the line at her neck line and not topple over at the first utterance of an insincere or nefarious compliment. Ardor should be contained until the wedding night. Then Pop Goes the Weasel. A little witticism for you, dear. Ah the glorious, halcyon days of youth and innocence. But, I do digress.

Well my next case involved the shady, sorrowful, sumptuous death of the late pop singer, Tom Bones best known for the song, “What’s New Scaredy Cat”, whoa, whoa, whoa. He was a fine looking, rustic, bawdy looking Welch man, and had a way of moving that suggested amorous intent. He had a passionate voice so as the melt the heart of the most chill of women. Ah, those quivering hips, I deign to say. I am so outré, so naughty. I even shock myself.

I viewed the pictures of the crime scene, so gritty, and graffic like a Diane Arbus picture of the idiots standing on their little pin heads, (the poor dears). I asked, Moe Wheedle, the head detective, if I might view the murder scene to get some psychic vibes I might be able to gather there. I felt the evil presence of an unknown woman waft through the still air. People used to ask me for the happenings at the end of their lives and I used to tell the truth and got into a lot of contretemps and sometimes, fisticuffs, so now I tell all women their ex- husbands will be at their graves, pining for them and regretting the acquisition of their trophy wives. For men, I tell them I see them bedding Marilyn Monroe in a pile of thick, rose hued cumulus clouds after death.

Tom was found head down at the New York Park Hyatt, frothing at the mouth. To me, this indicated a poisoning of some kind. Mo Wheedle affirmed this theory, but said that the tox screen revealed no known poison. Mo, a large, fat frumpy man, in wrinkled suit and dirt on his collar, chewed his tobacco said, “I think he was headed for the ‘terlet’ when she done him in.” His second sergeant said, “Ah, boss, you always say that every time.”

“Cuz, it’s true most of the time, pilgrim. When people are emptying their bladders it’s an excellent opportunity to kill them because then they’re not alert! Ya see.”

I concurred though I did not exactly follow his line of reasoning. Always butter up the detectives and let them feel superior. A man’s ego is so fragile, my darlings. Well again I digress. The room looked like a Victoria Secret set with panties bras, bustiers, and silk stockings thrown about and Moe Wheedle surmised that Tom was a closet “fairy” to use his patois. I informed him that women threw their panties and room keys on the stage when Tom Bones performed and he just said “Oh,” and looked pensive, no mean task for him. In fact he looked kind of misty in mind like phone ringing nobody home. No wonder he needed a psychic!

Before leaving me to my musings, he paused at the door, and turned to say, “Oh yeah one thing is kinda preculiar. He had been drinking heavily and he had a pair of black lace panties in his mouth when he died. Watcha think of that, Madame Carol?”
I gueried him as to whether he tested the panties for poison and he pompously said that he had and not to try to second guess him as he was in charge of the investigation not me!

I apologized for my foolhardiness and expressed my amazement at his superior sleuthing and told him I was just a mere woman. He was much soothed and walked out like the cock of the walk.

I decided to study the women in his life for it was known he never had dalliances with his fans though he did collect and take their panties with him after the performances. I knew the mode of poisoning it had to be in the panties and was an unknown poison.

He was married to Helena Bonham Farter for ten years and I surmised she knew him best, so I researched her first. She was an astounding beauty, dark haired and porcelain skinned, like an E. A. Poe heroine. I liken her to the mistress of the “House of Usher”. She was for a delicate woman a ferocious lover, wild and wanton. What do the men say, “a lady in the board room and a whore in the bedroom.” When they divorced she went to “The Farm of Funny”. And she came out of that place distraught, morose and moody, and took to burning Tom in effigy every Sunday, chanting, “Die, die you rotten scum. I’ll burn your damn wandering cock”.

Afterward he dated a stripper a Miz Una Linear, a tempestuous Taurus. Though beautiful as Botticelli’s Venus on the Half Shell, she was terribly insecure. In fact, she took to her bed for three days after seeing crow’s feet forming under her vapid cerulean eyes. She was like a cavern that could never be filled, and her constant neediness drove Tom away. This is a lesson, for you, Dears, never be a tabula rosa for “Nature abhors a vacuum.”

Then there was Meredith the Monolith, a dominatrix, he dated for a time. She was stern and masterful and liked to give Tom a good thrashing on occasion and she demanded he “worship” her feet by licking her toes. There were many others but I picked these for they seemed the most “unmanned”. A little bon mot for you, darlings. I decided to interview Helena as the other two had alibis at the time of his death. Besides in the old movies the wife is always the culprit. One can’t argue with that can one. There is one thing I must shamed facedly admit. When I went to the morgue to see his corpse I sneaked a peak at his ‘love instrument’ and I deign to say it was magnificent. I am no angel after all.
So, I interviewed Helena, the ex-wife, who was not without wit. The first thing she said was “I want you to know I’m not burning Tom in effigy anymore. That would be redundant!” Then she let fly raucous laughter like a hyena on the Serengeti Plains. I liked her: I love a good belly laugh.

“Why do you not ask the cause of death?” I inguired.

“Madame I read newspapers, you silly goose, after all I do live in this world. I loved Tom and would never actually harm him. I so state it,” she countered. They are not aware of which kind of poison killed him, a real pity. It’s like that Escher painting of a man climbing stairways that lead nowhere.” And came the outrageous laughter again.

“You know Tom was really the only man I ever loved, so giving, kind and sensual, and the voice of Gabriel, The Angel. I could not harm a hair on his head. Never. Ever.”

I saw a movement out of the corner of my eyes and asked her what it was. She replied that it was her two Gila Monsters, Mort Sahl and Sally. Did I tell you Tom had a fascination with women’s underwear, putting it in his mouth, and throwing back a shot of Stolichnaya, and then singing “I am marching to Pretoria.”
“You did it didn’t you? Gila Monsters are deadly poisonous. And you knew of his fetish.”

“Perhaps so, if memory serves. But on the other hand I am certifiable insane and gasp, don’t know right from wrong. So do you think I climbed the fire escape like a cat burglar and poisoned all the pants. Ha! Prove it! The evidence is circumstantial and don’t you think I’m smart enough to destroy the tainted pair of underwear. This is all hearsay evidence. Never would I poison them all. You can’t call this a confession either as I had no lawyer present and you did not read me my Miranda rights. Pet the lizards: they are fond of you.” Her laughter was so incongruous to her pale unearthly Degas like beauty.

Curiously Strange. But, I liked that evil women. Things down with panache and style are commendable. Of course I turned her in but knew she would be wild haired reciting snippets of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, running amok when they came for her. “Mad but north northwest” as they say.

Written by CAROL ANN bond author of POEMS OF THUNDER @ Amazon &

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Lady Lynda Descends

Lady Lynda May Hoffenfetter Toze was filled with glee. Her tour was finally commencing. She was delightfully pleased she made a concerted effort to start her delectable teachings was here. The ruffians of society would be saved by her elucidations. It would be a fait accompli. Her fervent dedication, preparation would now pay off.
This was moment she was waiting for. At last she would make her grand entrance to the dilapidated peons of society. Lady Lynda told herself she would gently, genteely elucidate proper manners. Never, no matter how ignominious, she would never impugn them.
To do so, she dogmatically reminded herself would the height of rudeness. Plus it was intolerably insensitive. It wasn’t their fault they were so ignorant. It was her duty to teach them. Not to harangue the ignorant crowd.

Now was the moment. She would momentarily make her grand entrance onto the stage. Her flowing lemon yellow chiffon dress she so tastefully wore would complement her tasteful gold and garnet jewelry. There Lady Lynda would instruct the people the way of correct etiquette. They would be boors no more.

It was at the Lula P. Dankwarth municipal Conference Center. It was in Savannah GA. It would be at the grand ballroom. She wished she wasn’t feeling butterflies in her stomach. So much so it seemed as if an entire colony. She was glad she put on enough deodorant, antiperspirant and lightly dusted herself with lilac dusting powder. On her soft delicate hands, stylish white gloves. Oh yes she thought that would be the height of rudeness to let them see her sweat or even worse, emit a disagreeable odor. She would be a hypocrite.

Even so Lady Lynda was pleased her flowing chiffon outfit breathed in a most delightful manner. Now if only she could breath as delightfully. This was the moment of truth. It was do or well she realized the rest of the saying. She would appear to be a blithe, sophisticated spirit. But underneath she was feeling like a charlatan. She knew it was imperative she was up to the task. But just this once she would seize the moment.

“High Tea”

Darlings, This is Auntie Carol and I have been going through Lady Lynda’s luscious Journals and came across the entry
about “High Tea” a ritual every young lady should be cognizant of. So I shall with the Lady’s permison to re-send it
It is charming our Lady Lynda refers to herself in third person, or is it psychotic of her, Oh, me!
“Methinks she would deign not to send her High Tea lesson to Facebook. I doubt she is even on FB. I doubt she Tweets. She most likely thinks of songbirds if she ever heard someone mention tweets. I suspect if she ever heard the word twitter Seymour Toze’s wife would presume twitter would refer to someone who imitates a perching bird with quick high pitched sounds or giggles with a high pitched laugh. Or talks excitedly in squeaky tones.
There is a slow fade as in old fashion movies and next enters Auntie Carol’s confident.
Lady Lynda ‘s wool skirt suit and complementary lacy blouse hue of sunlit sky befitted her personality like lemon and “Earl Grey” tea. “Hello class”. “Did you know high tea was started to ward off hunger of the English working class between lunch and dinner.”” Wasn’t to get high. It was named that because of the time it was officially served. Started as a relaxing time for the common folk. Now is quite a ritual. Its official time between 3 and 4 pm.”
“I figure these days the event would be in a “Craig’s List Listing” under local events commented one of the girls as she snickered under her breath.
Lady Lynda’s expression showed utter confusion. “Who is Craig and what is his list”?
She decided to ignore the remark and move on.
“Here are the Instructions You must have the following equipment* Teapot* Creamer* Sugar bowl* Bread and butter plates,Napkin, different cream filled sandwiches, Scones,sweet fruit jams, tea from India, China or Japan”
Won’t it be hard to find Chinese or Japenese tea.” one of the snooty girls. I wonder if I can send a request on my Instagram account
The woman gave the explanation one may delight in English tea. She suggested English Grey. Then Lady Lynda explained Darjheling is an Indian tea.
Lady Lynda quickly perused the crowd. She couldn’t help noticing most of their clothes left ample portions of their nubile bodies exposed. It seemed as if their tops were cut so low it looked as if one could say that’s a really fashionable top your daringly falling out of.
Then the woman wheeled into the room, a three tiered English colonial, wild cherry bark wood table, on the bottom level were the pitcher and cups. On the middle level were the fruit scones and on the top was the fancy silver tray with various wedged shaped tea sandwiches for the partakers to enjo
“Table must be pleasantly presented. Only the finest serving set will do. The finger sandwiches with the crust cut or whatever way removed cut into equilateral triangles. Does the equilateral triangles remind you of math.”
“Only math any of us are interested in is how long will this High Tea lesson be?”
They sighe they weren’t spending their time on Facebook, Instagram , Twitter or Snapchat.
Lady Lynda firmly but gently chided them. ” One needs to keep being proper every step of the way.”
The sandwiches she noted should be of watercress, or salmon and dill, or creamcheese and chives. She insisted only real butter should be spread. There should be a creamer too, sugars and if wanted, artificial sweeteners for the tea. The cups should be designed with Rococo 18th century French royalty cups. The scones can be various fruit flavors.
She mentioned to prepare the tea , to boil the water. Then when the guests come, to “put the kettle on” She continued explaining to boil the water in the tea kettle. She emphasized it was crucial the water boil to infuse the tea just right, to guarantee full bodied flavor, potency. Then next she explained to put some into the pot, to warm it. Next teabags or loose tea. Pour more water into the teapot. Use a tea cozy to ensure a warm cup. Let the cup sit for at least three minutes. Then let the company enjoy, Lets cherish our high tea together”

Lady Lynda recalls her first Etiquette Talk

Lynda May Hoffenfetter Toze smiled joyfully as she remenesced how she  filled with glee.  She recalled how her tour was finally commencing. She was delightfully pleased she made a concerted effort to start her teachings was here. The ruffians of society would be saved by her elucidations. It would be a fait accompli. Her fervent dedication, prep would soon pay off.

This was moment she was waiting for. Soon she would make her grand entrance to the dilapidated peons of society. Lady Lynda told herself she would gently, genteelly  elucidate proper manners. Never, no matter how ignominious, she would never impugn them.
To do so, she dogmatically reminded herself would the height of rudeness. Plus it was intolerably insensitive. It wasn’t their fault they were ignorant. It was her duty to teach them. Not to harangue the ignorant crowd.

Soon was the moment. She would momentarily make her grand entrance onto the stage. Her flowing lemon yellow chiffon dress she so tastefully wore would complement her tasteful gold and garnet jewelry. There Lady Lynda would instruct the people the way of correct etiquette. They would be boors no more.

It was at the Lula P. Dankwarth municipal Conference Center. It was in Savannah GA. It would be at the grand ballroom. She wished she wasn’t feeling butterflies in her stomach. So much so it seemed as if an entire colony. She was glad she put on enough deodorant, antiperspirant and lightly dusted herself with lilac dusting powder. On her soft delicate hands, stylish white gloves. Oh yes she thought that would be the height of rudeness to let them see her sweat or even worse, emit a disagreeable odor. She would be a hypocrite.

Even so Lady Lynda was pleased her flowing chiffon outfit breathed in a most delightful manner. Now if only she could breath as delightfully. This was the moment of truth. It was do or well she realized the rest of the saying. She would appear to be a blithe, sophisticated spirit. But underneath she was feeling like a charlatan. She knew it was imperative she was up to the task. Momentarily  she would seize the moment.