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Lady Lynda’s Etiquette Talk

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tagged crowd, etiquette., heckling, Proper Manners Lecture
Lady Lynda stepped up the wooden side steps to the stage  as if she was solumnly  entering to be blessed by the the spirit of “Ms Manners”. Once she got there her signs of nervousness dissipated.. She quickly perused the mostly young to middle aged crowd. Her observation was couples in various ethnic groups, including blacks and Hispanics. She tastefully cleared her throat and started lecturing. The middle aged woman looked demure and slender in her loose fitting lemon chiffon sheath.
“I am truly grateful you came here to see my teach you proper manners. Can you imagine how thrilled I am to be on this tour. I want to thank you from the cockles of my heart…”

Suddenly a young rowdy male teenager in tee and jeans yelled “WTF lady!!!”

Lady Lynda replied “My dear young man. I understand what you are trying to say. Allow me to tell you my talk is only tonight. I’m terribly sorry but its not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too.”

Lady Lynda partook from the cup nearby. “Its only water. I think it was be the height of impropriety to drink something stronger. I’m certain you get my drift. Getting back to my talk. Etiquette is the art of making people feel comfortable. Specifically my mission is to save young womenkind of hellocious influence of this dastardly world. Do your utmost never to disparage anyone. If you need to do so, do it discreetly. In that way they won’t get hurt. As they say what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Please don’t comment on disparities too. For instance if you see a man whose 2’8” and a man whose over 8′ don’t say well thats the short and the tall of it. Pardon the sentiment of telling a person with different colored eyes. Well one blew this and the other blew that way. These two examples bring back the time Seymour and I visited the World Cheapest Freak Show in Intercourse PA. Stop tittering. That’s the height of decadence. I forlornly remember the star freak was a man with a deviated septum. The poor dear I thought but for the grace of the LORD there go I. Here’s a different example If you ever meet siblings who were born conjoined twins but nowsperated never sing Peaches and Herb’s “Reunited. I deign believe it would traumatize the poor dears. Let them go their separate ways. I recall some years ago a dear woman friend called me in the middle of night. She was utterly distraught discovering her favorite male movie star was bald. I consoled her by mentioning ‘Look what he’d save in hair products. Why the snickering?” Lady Lynda inquired puzzled and rather miffed.

Some slutty young woman yelled “That’s not the only benefit. Besides I could really use a “Snickers” right now. as she snickered.

“Pray tell what ever could be some other good in being hair deprived?

A sassy young woman dressed in a purple shag hair style, matching make up in the latest Goth fashion yelled “A different benefit comes to be me right away” She emphasized the word comes ever so slightly but enough that many of the individuals there quickly understood her drift.

Lady Lynda still puzzled decided to ignore the woman who so intensely reminded her of the female charges of the “Charm School for Wayward Girls” If only this dear waif was so unfortunate not be part of her class. Maybe if she ignored her crude remark and continued on with her talk, the poor dear just might learn a thing about proper manners. Such as not interrupting with crude remarks.

Lady Lynda continued smoothing out her fine lemon chiffon dress to regain her composure. “Moving on I remember the other day I was walking through the corridor of a subway station. A young man came up to me and said he wanted to let his thing do its thing with me. I told him of course constructively yet firmly. That was the worst pick up line ever!!!” Besides thing is such a general term. He looked peeved at me but it was for his own edification. I told you won’t impress if you are redundant. Let me repeat. Noone likes someone who uses redundancies.”

“Speaking of being redundant I hope you were edified by my talk and I continue my tour. I wish you adeiu my dears.”

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Lady Lynda’s Take on the Enhancement of Jewelry for Fashion

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Lady Lynda: How jewelry can enhance fashion and it doesn’t need to be fancy.

Hello darlings. Its me Lady Lynda expounding on my jewelry. A proper lady consistently wears proper jewelry to offset her sophisticated stylish outfits. I am no exception. I confess many of my necklaces are costume jewelry. You know darlings, just some fun adornments to spruce up my business casual outfits However there are some pieces that ar a cut above. While they are far from wha top of line, they are somewhat fancy. Some are made of semiprecious material. These include amethyst , turquoise and cultured pearls. By the way pearls and amber are the only gemstones that are made of biological material Pearla from specially cultured oysters and amber is from petrified wood going back as far as the period of dinosaurs. Who despite the views of creationists existed hundreds of millions of years ago.

This next necklace was originally made in Uganda. It was bought in Cherry Hill by my wonderful sister. And that she is. It was originally made by village women in that East African natiom. It is very colorful as are the natives there. It is so truly delightful that these dear primitive females can be so creative. It consists of irregular rounded shapes of olive green, crimson and pine green. It’s made up of specially treated lacquered paper. It looks like it was made of wood. Its length is 26 inches. I can’t even begin to imagine the dark continent of Africa with modern buildings, conveniences. Oh that would be impossible. Sacre blu. The lacquered paper sort of reminds me of that wonderful , sentimental poet Vachel Lindsey. Read he swallowed varnish. What a tragedy but I must say such a beautiful finish to such a creative poetic life.

That purple gem wasbought at a local flea market It certainly looks authentic. It is a beautiful cool purple color. It is 20 inches in length. I felt so proud of myself when I helped that flea market vendor. I am certain that I enriched her day. That feeling warmed my heart. And that’s a feeling that is so much better than heart burn.

Pearls. This was a real find. And I do exactly, literally a find. The fact is I found this piece laying in the street. It is of five irregularly shaped small pearls separated by gold filigree. What it was doing there I can only suppose. It is a strand of real pearls offset with gold between each pearl. Would you know on a different occasion I found a string of pearls that consisted of pears that were ball shaped and a quarter inch in size.

This shells necklace is a fun necklace I bought on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. Oh I certainly hope the store propriator wasn’t playing a shell game on me. I remember it was a few years ago. As the description implies it is of small half inches black and white shells. As far as I can tell they are in teir natural hues. seashells, Native American Turquoise. The middle looks somewhat like a silver belt buckle with a genuine gorgeous turquoise centerpiece. This I wear to religious Jewish services. I wore it to my sister’s Bats Mitzvah earlier in May 2011. She is in her early sixties. Yes she was an adult Bat Mitzvah girl. Finally she is a woman lol. I posted that she was a woman on her Facebook page Seriously I’m proud of her. Golden Star of David, Jewish Star, Mogen David. This I wore to my sibling’s Jewish “Finally I am a woman” celebration.

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Lady Lynda ‘s patience is well paid.

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Lady Lynda Reminesces.

Lady Lynda was now married. The self proclaimed etiquette expert wore her long sleeved flannel carnation pink night gown. The one with the jaunty lace trim. Seymour Toze’s wife languidly laid upon the divan celebrating the Diva that become since being married to her gentleman friend of quite a few decades. She deemed herself dearly fortunate to be finally wed to show shoe salesman, pedicurist, fashion photographer Seymour Toze. Lady Lynda loved the sound of her complete name Mrs Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze The sound made her feel radiant. The once old maid sighed as sherecalled Her goosebumps she felt when Toze finally placed that wedding ring on her third finger, right hand.

It was such a genteel occasion at the Temple HaShem Synagogue. Lady Lynda quipped she knew her knocked at her heart. She was far beyond the years she could be knocked up. She delicately giggled at her humor.He looked so chivalrous in his black tuxedo, starched white shirt and stylish black tie. Rabbi and motivational speaker Hugh R. Good said wedding vows.

It seemed rather eloquent how he so offered his hand in hers in holy matrimony. What felicity she felt. At last they were legal. Now he could do with her much more than play with her ten pretties. He could be ravenous with her and she’d love every moment. Of course she would reciprocate too. Fair is fair she demurely chuckled.

Yes she sweetly laid on the divan waiting for her man. Lady Lynda needed not to wait very long. She liked that phrase very long. It conjured up delightful images of her man, Seymour Toze. Being that he was merely 5’7 she mused she wasn’t referring to his height. She could hardly wait. She emphasized hard…ly .

Seymour was coming any moment from his free lance fashion photography. As she pictured his debonair handsome form entering the bedroom she blushed ever so expectently as she eagerly waited for his entrance. Yes it would be so very hard to be patient. She was an Aries and that is the most impatient Star Sign. But she must be the essence of patience.

At last her husband Seymour Toze sauntered in into with a savoir faire that being married to the lady he loved could muster. Lady Lynda was more than ready for him. She was eager and comely. Waiting for him to come to her. At last her wish came true. The prepping for her etiquette tour was now put on hold.

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Lady Lynda at last finds her niche

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Lady Lynda Finds Her Niche

Lady Lynda forlornly thought of how she missed lecturing the young women of the charm school for wayward girls. She felt a tinge of melancholy thinking of how her learned words of wisdom would never be heard by those dear grateful young men of Mr. Pequots Reform School for Dastardly Bastards. She sighed as she pondered how her male charges , how some of them would always be bastards in the literal sense but they were now dastardly no more. Conversely the girls were now refined young women. Both grads were ready to take their place in the civilized world. She turned those bestial boys into if not perfect gentlemen, ready to be in polite society. It was a dim chance that the female students would ignorantly blather away at vulgar nonsense. Lady Lynda felt a warm feeling in the cockles of her heart. Her mood was decidedly blithe as she reflected on how her woman friend and her dramatically changed such unfortunate wretch’s lives so significantly for the better.

Auntie Carol’s faithful colleague was feeling a sense of emptiness in her life. Yes the student of both schools could get a bit unruly she admitted to herself. She recalled bemusedly the time when…The woman reluctantly remembered how it was a challenge to to put it mildly to gain their respect. It was like getting a Kosher Rabbi to eat a Ham and Cheese sandwich. In a way she couldn’t blame them as she tried to see how she and Auntie Carol were initially perceived from their perspective. Two dowdy fuddy duddy middle aged woman who if the girl’s vocabulary was sophisticated enough would of seen them as dowagers. Yet from her perspective, she was a lady and a sophisticated, cultured one at that.

Now it was up to her to somehow fill the void in her life. Yes there was of course Seymour but he was busy with his day job as a shoe salesman and pedicurist at the “Into Leather” shoe store. Plus his moonlighting as a freelance fashion photographer who specialized in taking photos of women in open toed spiked or stiletto heels. The woman reflecting back on her time with her students came to the conclusion that lecturing was her forte.

It was what she did best. Her time giving talks to the students of both of the schools proved that. She fondly recalled how they listened intensely to what ever she told them. Why else would they listen so closely? Perish the thought there could ever be any other explanation. It was like they were barbarous hordes before they slowly became civilized thanks to them listening to Auntie Carol and her gently guide, and sometimes when needed, chide them into how to behave in civilized society.

No more would they, especially the boys be baneful threats to society. Instead they would know their place and instead of looking bedraggled they would be the epitomy of ladylike and gentlemanly deportment. They would be belligerent no more. In place of belligerence there would be true respect for societal mores.

Lady Lynda lamented the times when she her colleague in arms, Auntie Carol experienced tough times trying to get through to the ruffians in each of the schools. She reflected how beleagered she was as she tried to teach them proper etiquette. Yet despite the troubles , eventually she and her partner did bequeath upon them the essential manners for polite society. Looking back Lady Lynda thought, bemused that if she can make these swaggering braggarts become civilized than she could do for virtually everybody. She found her niche. Her mission would be to lecture on the importance of proper manners.

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Seymour Toze Shoe Salesman Pedi Cures

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Seymour Toze loves his duties at the “Into Leather” shoe store. That is especially pedicure duties. That is because he is a connaissur of women’s feet. He especially likes Lady Lynda’s size 6 curvy, high arched feet. At least that’s how her podiatrist described them. They are so high , Seymour serenely reflects, only her heel and front part ever touch the floor. To Toze the way her feet make contact with the ground is a metaphor of how he feels about her and her soles. His soul soars into the sky like being carried by Hermes with his winged feet. The shoe store worker’s spirit is lifted off the ground like Lady Lynda’s feet are lifted off the floor.

Seymour is inspired by his lady love’s delicate feet. His strong desire is to pamper his female customer’s bottom apendages like a new mother pampers her babies soft warm skin. His motto and belief is his caring professional pedicures are good for the soles. He definitely isn’t balling any woman who wants a foot job from him. He loves doing footsies. It makes his heart go pitter patter the way he makes his lady clients feel being with him.

The man thinks to himself that his is a wonderful profession. A perfect fit for a man who adores toes at say the least. It never occurs him he needs to toe the line. Doing his line of work is to him, as stimulating as an invigorating foot rub. It is as wondrous as a relaxing jacuzzi soak. It is as sensual as a milk bath of the finest consistency, quality. But mostly it is a delightful way to keep the customers satisfied by getting to his clients literally from the ground up and then seeing from there.

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More of Lady Lynda’s Tips on how a Lady Behaves with her Mate.

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Lady Lynda entered the classroom conservatively properly dressed in a brocade rose pink suit and matching cotton gloves. Hello dears, its once again Lady Lynda. I want to talk to you of a critically important topic. How a good dutiful wife behaves in a successful marriage. Oh please I deliberately did not use the word relationship. That word to me, indicates what some of us euphaemistically calls living together. I call it living in sin I’m getting the vapors just thinking about it. Please excuse me while I sit down before I faint. Okay now I feel much better. Please note, while Seymour Toze is my gentleman friend we each live in our separate domiciles.

Lets begin. Rule number one. Never make your husband feel inferior. For example you are offered a work position you know you’re qualified for. If you wind up making more money than your dear husband. No matter how much you want it, turn it down. His ego is worth more than any economic benefit to you. In fact a wife should be really remiss if she took any job. This would be blow to her husband’s fragile ego They may look, manly, muscular but underneath those muscles lays a mass of mush of insecurities Never ever post anything of this nature on any social media.

One more thing never ever say something that goes counter to what he is saying. You must never, ever contradict him. Especially when you are riding in the automobile with him. Whenever you get lost, please don’t ever suggest you pull up to the nearest gas station and ask for directions. It may be the womanly sensible thing to do but men aren’t sensible like us women. It is a cardinal rule that men never ever ask for directions. This is a fact that this is written in their DNA. Just accept this. To do so would surely hurt their fragile pride. Even if you get totally lost, you’d be completely rude to complain about your lovey (spouse) not inquiring how to get somewhere. It is much better for you two to wind up on some long winding road Besides you two are all alone. Use your imagination. Men may look tough but underneath they are quivering jellyfishes. It is up to the wife to consistently remember that.

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Seymour Toze and his Perspective on the Charm School for Wayward Girls.

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I, Seymour Toze believe I am in my rights in telling my opinion of my lady friend, Lady Lynda’s part in her woman friend Auntie Carol’s Charm school. While do think its commendable. Yes I really do. There are I hate to confess, some issues. For one thing neither of them inquired how I felt.
Well I’ll tell you how I’m feeling, I feel like I’m being ignored. I know its the two ladies charm school. But being that I am the gentleman friend I think I have the right to some say. Plus I believe I could be of real help in my input. I’m thinking the classes could use a masculine viewpoint. Or at least my viewpoint…I must say I truly think its quite commendable what my lady friend and her colleague is doing for these unfortunate urchins. I mean what other ladies would take the time to show them the errors of their ways. I am proud to be the gentleman friend of Lady Lynda Hottenfetter.
She certainly is a dear. Plus I adore her in her open toed spiked heels I feel compelled to mention one of the reasons I love and greatly admire my Lady Lynda. I do hope they instill the importance of open toed spiked heels in young ladies.

A masculine perspective is definitely what is needed here. A man’s point of view to balance my dear Lady Lynda and her colleague Auntie Carol.

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Lady Lynda’s View of The Charm School for Wayward Girls Graduation.

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Oh Auntie Carol what a dreadful example to give to your newly graduated reformed charm school ladies. A little tipsy I don’t believe is the right phrase. How ’bout practically roaring down drunk? Conversely I remember a few years ago a so called woman friend invited me to a place of entertainment. Well it turned out to be a show of scantily clad male entertainers. I recall drinking my 14 Mimosas. Even so I was still standing and even dancing. Far from the best dancing but still dancing. Especially when everybody with the exception of us, were underage. I wonder how many of the young women are members of Instagram? They should be complete teatotolersI did like the way the room was festooned with colorful crepe, black balloons. Was black subconsously chosen because we are leaving the girls for greener pastures? Whatever? Pretty in pink I say. Those tulip dresses for the young ladies waiting for their two lips to be kissed by handsome beaus. I just love the colorful makeup. It was a fest fit for a Bachanalia. If you’ll pardon my expression. lol. I’m truly grateful they recited my Society’s Niceties in iambic pentimeter. Shakespeare would of been proud. I know I was. The perfumes were an olfactory delight. Such sophistication in scents. The sweet smell of success was in the air. A little tongue and cheek humor. Oh Auntie Carol, you are so cheeky.

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“Lady Lynda Reminesces”

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Lady Lynda relaxed in her boudoir. The fairly newly married self proclaimed female etiquette exert wore her her long sleeved flannel carnation pink night gown. The one with the jaunty lace trim. Seymour Toze’s spouse purposely languidly laid upon the divan celebrating the Diva that become since being married to her gentleman friend of quite a few decades. She deemed herself the height of fortune to be of wedded bliss to her limit of patience , shoe salesman, fashion photographer. Lady Lynda loved the sound of her complete name Mrs Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze She felt so radiant. The once dowdy woman sighed as she reminesced Her goosebumps she felt when Toze finally placed that wedding ring on her third finger, right hand.

It was such a genteel occasion at the Temple Enoch Synagogue. Lady Lynda quipped she certainly knew who was knocking at her heart. She was definitely beyond the years she could be knocked up. She delicately giggled at her humor.He looked so chivalrous in his black tuxedo, starched white shirt and stylish black tie. Rabbi and motivational speaker Hugh R. Good said wedding vows.

It seemed rather eloquent how he so offered his hand in hers in holy matrimony. What felicity she felt. At last they were legal. Now he could do with her much more than play with her ten pretties. He could be ravenous with her and she’d love every moment. Of course she would reciprocate too. Fair is fair she demurely chuckled.

Yes she sweetly laid on the divan waiting for her man. Lady Lynda needed not to wait very long. She liked that phrase very long. It conjured up delightful images of her man, Seymour Toze. Being that he was merely 5’7 she mused she wasn’t referring to his height. She could hardly wait. She emphasized hard…ly .

Seymour was coming any moment from his free lance fashion photography. As she pictured his debonair handsome form entering the bedroom she blushed ever so expectently as she eagerly waited for his entrance. Yes it would be so very hard to be patient. She was an Aries and that is the most impatient Star Sign. But she must be the essence of patience.

At last her husband Seymour Toze sauntered in into with a savoir faire that being married to the lady he loved could muster. Lady Lynda was more than ready for him. She was eager and comely. Waiting for him to come to her. At last her wish came true. The prepping for her etiquette tour was now put on hold

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Please note. Disclaimer

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IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER The opinions and views of the characters in this blog do not necessarily reflect my personal opinions and views.   These are fictional characters .   They are not based on anybody I personally know or heard of. This entire blog is fiction.

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