Seymour Toze and his Perspective on the Charm School for Wayward Girls.

I, Seymour Toze believe I am in my rights in telling my opinion of my lady friend, Lady Lynda’s part in her woman friend Auntie Carol’s Charm school. While do think its commendable. Yes I really do. There are I hate to confess, some issues. For one thing neither of them inquired how I felt.
Well I’ll tell you how I’m feeling, I feel like I’m being ignored. I know its the two ladies charm school. But being that I am the gentleman friend I think I have the right to some say. Plus I believe I could be of real help in my input. I’m thinking the classes could use a masculine viewpoint. Or at least my viewpoint…I must say I truly think its quite commendable what my lady friend and her colleague is doing for these unfortunate urchins. I mean what other ladies would take the time to show them the errors of their ways. I am proud to be the gentleman friend of Lady Lynda Hottenfetter.
She certainly is a dear. Plus I adore her in her open toed spiked heels I feel compelled to mention one of the reasons I love and greatly admire my Lady Lynda. I do hope they instill the importance of open toed spiked heels in young ladies.

A masculine perspective is definitely what is needed here. A man’s point of view to balance my dear Lady Lynda and her colleague Auntie Carol.

Bubbles and Champagne. The World to Gain. Carol Anne’s Review of the Graduation Party

This post by CAROL ANN Bond

This is Auntie Carol and Lady Lynda, and we are so thrilled. The Charm School Girls got together and gave us a farewell party at the Warwick Hotel The theme was, “Bubbles and Champagne, the World to Gain.” They bought five bottles of Mum’s Champagne which we put on Lahonda’s credit card. Oh, I declare, it is fun to be naughty sometimes. I, Auntie Carol, had two glasses and got a little tipsey. Alors! And, oh my heavens! The entire room was festooned with crepe and black baloons. The dominant theme was pink and the girls in their passion pink prom dresses resembled tulips blooming in a garden.

On their lips was the palest of “baby” pink and on their eyelids was pastel violet or turquoise according to eye color. all according to what a true lady would wear. And my, oh my, the had a three tier yellow cake with white frosting and pink and yellow roses. The cake was sumptuous, and I ate five roses and am all the fatter for it. One must indulge one’s gustatory pleasures every now and then. And Bacchus and his ‘pards were in attendence as well. Of course, I jest, a little tongue and cheek humor for you.

They all got together and recited Lady Lynda’s Society’s Niceties in iambic pentameter. She was so ecstatic, as was I.
They are the future wives and mothers of the world and a boon to any proper man’s bed. Our live’s work had come to fruition in these fey, and reckless lasses!

As they left they trailed behind them the scents of White Shoulders, Shalimar, Tea Rose, and Faberge’s WoodHue. Scent is a lady’s calling card. For a lady must always be a spectral image in her lover’s mind. A lady must be unforgettable like the late Audrey Hepburn. Oh, my, my eyes mist over in tears just thinking of that memorable evening.
CAROL ANN

Lady Lynda’s View of The Charm School for Wayward Girls Graduation.

Oh Auntie Carol what a dreadful example to give to your newly graduated reformed charm school ladies. A little tipsy I don’t believe is the right phrase. How ’bout practically roaring down drunk? Conversely I remember a few years ago a so called woman friend invited me to a place of entertainment. Well it turned out to be a show of scantily clad male entertainers. I recall drinking my 14 Mimosas. Even so I was still standing and even dancing. Far from the best dancing but still dancing. Especially when everybody with the exception of us, were underage. I wonder how many of the young women are members of Instagram? They should be complete teatotolersI did like the way the room was festooned with colorful crepe, black balloons. Was black subconsously chosen because we are leaving the girls for greener pastures? Whatever? Pretty in pink I say. Those tulip dresses for the young ladies waiting for their two lips to be kissed by handsome beaus. I just love the colorful makeup. It was a fest fit for a Bachanalia. If you’ll pardon my expression. lol. I’m truly grateful they recited my Society’s Niceties in iambic pentimeter. Shakespeare would of been proud. I know I was. The perfumes were an olfactory delight. Such sophistication in scents. The sweet smell of success was in the air. A little tongue and cheek humor. Oh Auntie Carol, you are so cheeky.

Rate this:

Lady Lynda Explains “High Tea” to the girls at The Cham School for Wayward Girls

Darlings, This is Auntie Carol and I have been going through Lady Lynda’s delightful Journals and came across this charming entry
about “High Tea”. A ritual every young lady should be cognizant of. So I will trust Lady Lynda will give me permission to read it to you.
It is intriguing our Lady Lynda refers to herself in third person, or is it psychotic of her, Oh my!
“Methinks she would deign not to send her High Tea lesson to Facebook. I doubt she is even on FB. I doubt she Tweets. She most likely thinks of songbirds if she ever heard someone mention tweets. I suspect if she ever heard the word twitter Seymour Toze’s wife would presume twitter would refer to someone who imitates a perching bird with quick high pitched sounds or giggles with a high pitched laugh. Or talks excitedly in squeaky tones.
There is a slow fade as in old fashion movies and next enters Auntie Carol’s confident.
Lady Lynda ‘s wool skirt suit and complementary lacy blouse hue of sunlit sky befitted her personality like lemon and “Earl Grey” tea. “Hello class”. “Did you know high tea was started to ward off hunger of the English working class between lunch and dinner.”” Wasn’t to get high. It was named that because of the time it was officially served. Started as a relaxing time for the common folk. Now is quite a ritual. Its official time between 3 and 4 pm.”
“I figure these days the event would be in a “Craig’s List Listing” under local events commented one of the girls as she snickered under her breath.
Lady Lynda’s expression showed utter confusion. “Who is Craig and what is his list”?
She decided to ignore the remark and move on.
“Here are the Instructions You must have the following equipment* Teapot* Creamer* Sugar bowl* Bread and butter plates,Napkin, different cream filled sandwiches, Scones,sweet fruit jams, tea from India, China or Japan”
Won’t it be hard to find Chinese or Japenese tea.” one of the snooty girls. I wonder if I can send a request on my Instagram account
The woman gave the explanation one may delight in English tea. She suggested English Grey. Then Lady Lynda explained Darjheling is an Indian tea.
Lady Lynda quickly perused the crowd. She couldn’t help noticing most of their clothes left ample portions of their nubile bodies exposed. It seemed as if their tops were cut so low it looked as if one could say that’s a really fashionable top your daringly falling out of.
Then the woman wheeled into the room, a three tiered English colonial, wild cherry bark wood table, on the bottom level were the pitcher and cups. On the middle level were the fruit scones and on the top was the fancy silver tray with various wedged shaped tea sandwiches for the partakers to enjo
“Table must be pleasantly presented. Only the finest serving set will do. The finger sandwiches with the crust cut or whatever way removed cut into equilateral triangles. Does the equilateral triangles remind you of math.”
“Only math any of us are interested in is how long will this High Tea lesson be?”
They sighe they weren’t spending their time on Facebook, Instagram , Twitter or Snapchat.
Lady Lynda firmly but gently chided them. ” One needs to keep being proper every step of the way.”
The sandwiches she noted should be of watercress, or salmon and dill, or creamcheese and chives. She insisted only real butter should be spread. There should be a creamer too, sugars and if wanted, artificial sweeteners for the tea. The cups should be designed with Rococo 18th century French royalty cups. The scones can be various fruit flavors.
She mentioned to prepare the tea , to boil the water. Then when the guests come, to “put the kettle on” She continued explaining to boil the water in the tea kettle. She emphasized it was crucial the water boil to infuse the tea just right, to guarantee full bodied flavor, potency. Then next she explained to put some into the pot, to warm it. Next teabags or loose tea. Pour more water into the teapot. Use a tea cozy to ensure a warm cup. Let the cup sit for at least three minutes. Then let the company enjoy, Lets cherish our high tea together”

Lady Lynda’s Concerns about Auntie Carol’s Charm School for Wayward Girls

There are major mixed emotions regarding my dear friend and colleage Auntie Carol’s decision to start a charm school for wayward teens. I realize she means well. Does she want me to give up my dream of obtaining my MSW Or as that crude Wanda Lust would say mealy mouthed snotty whackjobs. Neither of them understand how important my MSW is to me. I do want to help those unfortunate freaks my gentleman friend Seymour Toze and I saw in Intercourse PA. At that “World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” Can you imagine going through life with a deviated septum? Oh Heaven forbid a Texas accent? Oh the utter horror. I was so heartened by that woman with the permanately curved little fingers finding work as a tea server at the local snack shop. It was so noble of that PA town to showcase those miserable dears.
I do wish Auntie Carol my best. She is right. I am troubled by the waywardness of our young women and their counterparts. We did dress well. She in pink and me in lavender. We wanted to make a proper impression on the high school’s superintendent. I am certain our dainty gloves and suitable fashionable hats helped immensely with setting up a favorable impression.
I was bursting with pride when Auntie Carol instantly picked up on how that teen girl said “Whatever” Obviously that was a desperate cry for grammar help. Her rules for proper young ladies are good ones to me. I’m just hoping I obtain my MSW too

Lady Lynda and Seymour Toze visit the World’s Cheapest Freak Show

“World’s Cheapest Freak Show”

Lady Lynda and Seymour carefully perused the community listings in the local newspaper as they sat on the Victorian style brocade magenta hued divan. Suddenly after perusing the various types of events one particular one caught their eyes. “Dare I deign to say its in Intercourse PA.
Its billed as the “World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” “Now we can enjoy a freak show like the golden days of the circus side show. Come One , come all.”
“Look what’s happening in “Intercourse PA” Lady Lynda said to Seymour. Seymour replies “Oh Lady Lynda I am aghast. I thought you wanted us to save ourselves for marriage. I developed my toe fetish as a compromise. To escape doing the disgusting but only if married, with you.”

“I meant the town of Intercourse PA. ”

“Oh I am so relieved. What’s there?

“Reminds of the time we went to Brattleboro VT. There was a zoo with a full grown deer the size of a cat. There was a mini horse the size of a cocker spaniel. Awwww so cute. An male albino peacock, train and all. What gorgeous ruby red eyes.” There weren’t that many animals but what we saw were real stunners.”

“Oh I see, you’re presuming this exhibit won’t show that many differently formed folks but the one’s they will be real doozies.”

“You get the picture my sweet love? “Do you want to go?”

“I think I do. Remember last night we watched the 30s movie cult classic “Freaks” The one directed by Todd Browning who directed “Dracula” with Bela Legosi. From a story by Tom Robbins “Spurs” They were really freaky there. the half boy whose body stopped at the ribcage and the fat lady, the Siamese twin sisters who looked like they were stapled together, Dorothy and Violet Hilton, the other Hilton sisters, the bearded woman, the ultra thin man, the pinheads, the He she and so many others. Oh those Hiltons were really close to each other.Not nearly as close as we are. You know the fat lady reminds me that reassuring guidance counselor at the special school in Allentown. He told super fat Mike as long as there was a side show he’d never fear unemployment. Do you know where the train schedule is?” “Yes I do” replies Lynda. With that she gets the timetable and they check it out.

They get to the Intercourse PA train station in ninety minutes. They notice plastered throughout the station and just outside it, posters for “The World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” The two check out one of them and they discover its a short walk from where they are.

“Well here we are the world’s cheapest freak show.” Let’s see if it lives up to its name”

They enter the exhibit. “I am really glad I’m here. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with freaks. When I was six my parents gave me a book with photos of a two headed turtle and two headed snake. I remember seeing “Ressurection” movie on TV and a little boy pets a two headed snake. “Speaking of snakes does that remind you of anything?” “I deign say so.”

The tape is narrated by the actress Megan Fox who was born with stubby thumbs. With her melliflous voice she explains that due to the economy the major freaks moved on. This is all the town can afford. She tells the listener to turn right and walk a few short steps to the first exhibit where a pleasant looking young man is standing. He is dressed in a dark brown wool blazer with a blue and white thin vertical striped cotton shirt. He is wearing Gap jeans. He wears clunky brown shoes with white socks. His nose is somewhat large but not so much to be disconcerting. Dark brown hair and eyes. Lady Lynda being too too shy to ask herself, asks Seymour to question him. Toze wanting to please his Lady Lynda inquires why he’s there. “Unfortunately I developed a deviated septum. The bone and cartilage dividing the two nostrils is crooked. Oh the terrible unfairness of an invisible disability. If I was crippled, blind, a hunchback people would understand. But no I had to be born with a physical deformity nobody would know unless I tell them. Its so terribly unfair.”

Feeling deeply sorry for him they leaves. Toze mentions he won’t sleep tonight thinking of that poor unfortunate soul.

Next they notice a tall stout woman singing from the opera “Die Kluge” best known for the Opera singer Elizabeth Schwartzkopf. Her composure, atttiude is overbearing. Her completely tone deaf voice booms as she walks through the exhibit hall. Lady Lynda winced as she recalled each April Fool’s day her elementary school principal would play a recording of Florence Foster Jenkins giving free opera concerts. This women now was even worse.

The twosome next entered the exhibit’s snack bar. They see a woman with crooked little fingers serving the tea. She tells them she is grateful the local voc. rehabfor her current workk. She told them she found her true calling. She was born the way she was so she could be accepted as a professional tea pourer. She tells them she was constantly being fired from her typing jobs because of being born with little fingers she was incapable of straightening out. She lets Lynda and Seymour know its medical term is “Camptodactaly”

All the while, while Lynda and Seymour and others are walking throughout the exhibition a woman constantly bumps into them. They try to steer her in the proper direction. But as they do so, no matter how many times they try to redirect her, she winds up right back bumping into them. They realize she is part of the show. She is the woman with absolutely no sense of direction. She wears brown leather and white saddle oxfords with white anklet a cotton flared skirt just below her knees, with an elephant print, carnation pink long sleeved woolen top. Her posture is constantly leaning forward as if she is in a hurry. She wears thick horn rimmed tortoiseshell glasses. Her features are pointy, sharp. She goes by the name of Molly Sue Pendergrass.

Next the two comes across a man with Texas accent. He is wearing a Stetson hat, mahogony red cowboy boots with gold spurs, a red , white and blue flannel shirt. On his shirt is a Nascar fan button. He wears Wranglers Jeans. He’s 6’3 and built. He’s rugged looking like a middle aged Clint Eastwood. His thick Texas twang is so exotic to the locals. He is seen as a fascinating curiosity. They’ve never seen anything like him. They presume he’s from some exotic land.

Just then the local hermaphrodite noticed Seymour. The freak yells at him “Trying to get cop a feel. Look at those knockers at that babe.”

“You mind your own business you disgusting freak. I’ll tell you what you can do…. You can go f. yourself.”

The Hermaphrodite sneers You’re just jealous because I can”

“Lady Lynda is the one for me” responds Seymour Toze.

“Oh Seymour my hero. my dear, you are so clever”

“Thank you my darling. I think we’ve seen enough of this place. Let’s find our ways out of here so we can be together once more.

Dastardly Dame Lady Lynda

Dear FB, this is Auntie Carol, and you’re the only one I can trust right now. It’s about my friend, and Dastardly Dame, Lady Lynda. I am on my way over to her domicile to have fisticuffs with her. You see, she wants to put Joaquin Phoenix as head of our men’s club, a very exclusive club. So exclusive, in fact, that men frequently don’t even know they’re in it. I want Johnny Depp. Anyone can see he’s much better than Joaquin Phoenix! I’m going to kick her ass, and I deign to use such a vulgar term. It’s four hours later, and I have two black eyes, and a busted lip. I look like a very tall racoon.

Lady Lynda’s Society Niceity

Hello Darlings

When a woman of sophistication and proper upbringing  sees her male dermatologist one thing she must never say to him is the following:
Take my wart off,  take my skin tag off,…take my clothes off.

Read Full Post »

“>

do.  My true love, Seymour, is completely

true to me in his heart even though we haven’t

gone all the way.

Read Full Post »

Idle Gossip – Lady Lynda

This is Lady Lynda.  Idle gossip will get you

nowhere.  Besides, A LADY NEVER TELLS!  I’m

still a virgin at thirty-five because I’m waiting for

the right man.  He well may be Seymour Toze.  It

will come to fisticuffs if you ever see him again,

Wanda Whore.

Read Full Post »

This is Lady Lynda.  When a man is queer, it’s

just because he has not met the right girl.

What to do?  Enshroud him with quaint

witticisms and inspirational conversation.

Then pull your skirt over your head and shout,

“I’m a whole lot of woman and I need a whole lot

of man.  This works every time.

The Black Orchid replies,  “That will happen

when elephants fly!”

Agenda For Pudenda

When a member of the same sex approaches you,

run from the room, shrieking, “But, I’m going to

marry Johnny Depp.  I’m going to marry

Johnny Depp!”

The Black Orchid replies.  The love of a woman

can be a wonderful thing.  Women are like

precious flowers, fragrant and soft.  I eat

pomegranites as well as bananas if you receive

v>

of Proper Young Womanhood, Wives, and

Mothers.  Never have Sex before marriage no

matter how fetching the man.  There are Rules

which I shall elucidate.

1)  Keep a clean house.

2)  Prepare nutricious food.

3)  Never stray, and have sex at least twice a

week.  Anymore would be too taxing.

4)  Occasionally, wear something pretty so he can

remember why he married you.  This could

mean lingerie.

5) Never nag and make him think he thought of

everything before you did.

6)  Read the newspaper so you can make