“World’s Cheapest Freak Show”
Lady Lynda and Seymour carefully perused the community listings in the local newspaper as they sat on the Victorian style brocade magenta hued divan. Suddenly after perusing the various types of events one particular one caught their eyes. “Dare I deign to say its in Intercourse PA.
Its billed as the “World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” “Now we can enjoy a freak show like the golden days of the circus side show. Come One , come all.”
“Look what’s happening in “Intercourse PA” Lady Lynda said to Seymour. Seymour replies “Oh Lady Lynda I am aghast. I thought you wanted us to save ourselves for marriage. I developed my toe fetish as a compromise. To escape doing the disgusting but only if married, with you.”
“I meant the town of Intercourse PA. ”
“Oh I am so relieved. What’s there?
“Reminds of the time we went to Brattleboro VT. There was a zoo with a full grown deer the size of a cat. There was a mini horse the size of a cocker spaniel. Awwww so cute. An male albino peacock, train and all. What gorgeous ruby red eyes.” There weren’t that many animals but what we saw were real stunners.”
“Oh I see, you’re presuming this exhibit won’t show that many differently formed folks but the one’s they will be real doozies.”
“You get the picture my sweet love? “Do you want to go?”
“I think I do. Remember last night we watched the 30s movie cult classic “Freaks” The one directed by Todd Browning who directed “Dracula” with Bela Legosi. From a story by Tom Robbins “Spurs” They were really freaky there. the half boy whose body stopped at the ribcage and the fat lady, the Siamese twin sisters who looked like they were stapled together, Dorothy and Violet Hilton, the other Hilton sisters, the bearded woman, the ultra thin man, the pinheads, the He she and so many others. Oh those Hiltons were really close to each other.Not nearly as close as we are. You know the fat lady reminds me that reassuring guidance counselor at the special school in Allentown. He told super fat Mike as long as there was a side show he’d never fear unemployment. Do you know where the train schedule is?” “Yes I do” replies Lynda. With that she gets the timetable and they check it out.
They get to the Intercourse PA train station in ninety minutes. They notice plastered throughout the station and just outside it, posters for “The World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” The two check out one of them and they discover its a short walk from where they are.
“Well here we are the world’s cheapest freak show.” Let’s see if it lives up to its name”
They enter the exhibit. “I am really glad I’m here. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with freaks. When I was six my parents gave me a book with photos of a two headed turtle and two headed snake. I remember seeing “Ressurection” movie on TV and a little boy pets a two headed snake. “Speaking of snakes does that remind you of anything?” “I deign say so.”
The tape is narrated by the actress Megan Fox who was born with stubby thumbs. With her melliflous voice she explains that due to the economy the major freaks moved on. This is all the town can afford. She tells the listener to turn right and walk a few short steps to the first exhibit where a pleasant looking young man is standing. He is dressed in a dark brown wool blazer with a blue and white thin vertical striped cotton shirt. He is wearing Gap jeans. He wears clunky brown shoes with white socks. His nose is somewhat large but not so much to be disconcerting. Dark brown hair and eyes. Lady Lynda being too too shy to ask herself, asks Seymour to question him. Toze wanting to please his Lady Lynda inquires why he’s there. “Unfortunately I developed a deviated septum. The bone and cartilage dividing the two nostrils is crooked. Oh the terrible unfairness of an invisible disability. If I was crippled, blind, a hunchback people would understand. But no I had to be born with a physical deformity nobody would know unless I tell them. Its so terribly unfair.”
Feeling deeply sorry for him they leaves. Toze mentions he won’t sleep tonight thinking of that poor unfortunate soul.
Next they notice a tall stout woman singing from the opera “Die Kluge” best known for the Opera singer Elizabeth Schwartzkopf. Her composure, atttiude is overbearing. Her completely tone deaf voice booms as she walks through the exhibit hall. Lady Lynda winced as she recalled each April Fool’s day her elementary school principal would play a recording of Florence Foster Jenkins giving free opera concerts. This women now was even worse.
The twosome next entered the exhibit’s snack bar. They see a woman with crooked little fingers serving the tea. She tells them she is grateful the local voc. rehabfor her current workk. She told them she found her true calling. She was born the way she was so she could be accepted as a professional tea pourer. She tells them she was constantly being fired from her typing jobs because of being born with little fingers she was incapable of straightening out. She lets Lynda and Seymour know its medical term is “Camptodactaly”
All the while, while Lynda and Seymour and others are walking throughout the exhibition a woman constantly bumps into them. They try to steer her in the proper direction. But as they do so, no matter how many times they try to redirect her, she winds up right back bumping into them. They realize she is part of the show. She is the woman with absolutely no sense of direction. She wears brown leather and white saddle oxfords with white anklet a cotton flared skirt just below her knees, with an elephant print, carnation pink long sleeved woolen top. Her posture is constantly leaning forward as if she is in a hurry. She wears thick horn rimmed tortoiseshell glasses. Her features are pointy, sharp. She goes by the name of Molly Sue Pendergrass.
Next the two comes across a man with Texas accent. He is wearing a Stetson hat, mahogony red cowboy boots with gold spurs, a red , white and blue flannel shirt. On his shirt is a Nascar fan button. He wears Wranglers Jeans. He’s 6’3 and built. He’s rugged looking like a middle aged Clint Eastwood. His thick Texas twang is so exotic to the locals. He is seen as a fascinating curiosity. They’ve never seen anything like him. They presume he’s from some exotic land.
Just then the local hermaphrodite noticed Seymour. The freak yells at him “Trying to get cop a feel. Look at those knockers at that babe.”
“You mind your own business you disgusting freak. I’ll tell you what you can do…. You can go f. yourself.”
The Hermaphrodite sneers You’re just jealous because I can”
“Lady Lynda is the one for me” responds Seymour Toze.
“Oh Seymour my hero. my dear, you are so clever”
“Thank you my darling. I think we’ve seen enough of this place. Let’s find our ways out of here so we can be together once more.