Lady Lynda’s Concerns about Auntie Carol’s Charm School for Wayward Girls

There are major mixed emotions regarding my dear friend and colleage Auntie Carol’s decision to start a charm school for wayward teens. I realize she means well. Does she want me to give up my dream of obtaining my MSW Or as that crude Wanda Lust would say mealy mouthed snotty whackjobs. Neither of them understand how important my MSW is to me. I do want to help those unfortunate freaks my gentleman friend Seymour Toze and I saw in Intercourse PA. At that “World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” Can you imagine going through life with a deviated septum? Oh Heaven forbid a Texas accent? Oh the utter horror. I was so heartened by that woman with the permanately curved little fingers finding work as a tea server at the local snack shop. It was so noble of that PA town to showcase those miserable dears.
I do wish Auntie Carol my best. She is right. I am troubled by the waywardness of our young women and their counterparts. We did dress well. She in pink and me in lavender. We wanted to make a proper impression on the high school’s superintendent. I am certain our dainty gloves and suitable fashionable hats helped immensely with setting up a favorable impression.
I was bursting with pride when Auntie Carol instantly picked up on how that teen girl said “Whatever” Obviously that was a desperate cry for grammar help. Her rules for proper young ladies are good ones to me. I’m just hoping I obtain my MSW too

Lady Lynda and Seymour Toze visit the World’s Cheapest Freak Show

“World’s Cheapest Freak Show”

Lady Lynda and Seymour carefully perused the community listings in the local newspaper as they sat on the Victorian style brocade magenta hued divan. Suddenly after perusing the various types of events one particular one caught their eyes. “Dare I deign to say its in Intercourse PA.
Its billed as the “World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” “Now we can enjoy a freak show like the golden days of the circus side show. Come One , come all.”
“Look what’s happening in “Intercourse PA” Lady Lynda said to Seymour. Seymour replies “Oh Lady Lynda I am aghast. I thought you wanted us to save ourselves for marriage. I developed my toe fetish as a compromise. To escape doing the disgusting but only if married, with you.”

“I meant the town of Intercourse PA. ”

“Oh I am so relieved. What’s there?

“Reminds of the time we went to Brattleboro VT. There was a zoo with a full grown deer the size of a cat. There was a mini horse the size of a cocker spaniel. Awwww so cute. An male albino peacock, train and all. What gorgeous ruby red eyes.” There weren’t that many animals but what we saw were real stunners.”

“Oh I see, you’re presuming this exhibit won’t show that many differently formed folks but the one’s they will be real doozies.”

“You get the picture my sweet love? “Do you want to go?”

“I think I do. Remember last night we watched the 30s movie cult classic “Freaks” The one directed by Todd Browning who directed “Dracula” with Bela Legosi. From a story by Tom Robbins “Spurs” They were really freaky there. the half boy whose body stopped at the ribcage and the fat lady, the Siamese twin sisters who looked like they were stapled together, Dorothy and Violet Hilton, the other Hilton sisters, the bearded woman, the ultra thin man, the pinheads, the He she and so many others. Oh those Hiltons were really close to each other.Not nearly as close as we are. You know the fat lady reminds me that reassuring guidance counselor at the special school in Allentown. He told super fat Mike as long as there was a side show he’d never fear unemployment. Do you know where the train schedule is?” “Yes I do” replies Lynda. With that she gets the timetable and they check it out.

They get to the Intercourse PA train station in ninety minutes. They notice plastered throughout the station and just outside it, posters for “The World’s Cheapest Freak Show.” The two check out one of them and they discover its a short walk from where they are.

“Well here we are the world’s cheapest freak show.” Let’s see if it lives up to its name”

They enter the exhibit. “I am really glad I’m here. Ever since I was little I was fascinated with freaks. When I was six my parents gave me a book with photos of a two headed turtle and two headed snake. I remember seeing “Ressurection” movie on TV and a little boy pets a two headed snake. “Speaking of snakes does that remind you of anything?” “I deign say so.”

The tape is narrated by the actress Megan Fox who was born with stubby thumbs. With her melliflous voice she explains that due to the economy the major freaks moved on. This is all the town can afford. She tells the listener to turn right and walk a few short steps to the first exhibit where a pleasant looking young man is standing. He is dressed in a dark brown wool blazer with a blue and white thin vertical striped cotton shirt. He is wearing Gap jeans. He wears clunky brown shoes with white socks. His nose is somewhat large but not so much to be disconcerting. Dark brown hair and eyes. Lady Lynda being too too shy to ask herself, asks Seymour to question him. Toze wanting to please his Lady Lynda inquires why he’s there. “Unfortunately I developed a deviated septum. The bone and cartilage dividing the two nostrils is crooked. Oh the terrible unfairness of an invisible disability. If I was crippled, blind, a hunchback people would understand. But no I had to be born with a physical deformity nobody would know unless I tell them. Its so terribly unfair.”

Feeling deeply sorry for him they leaves. Toze mentions he won’t sleep tonight thinking of that poor unfortunate soul.

Next they notice a tall stout woman singing from the opera “Die Kluge” best known for the Opera singer Elizabeth Schwartzkopf. Her composure, atttiude is overbearing. Her completely tone deaf voice booms as she walks through the exhibit hall. Lady Lynda winced as she recalled each April Fool’s day her elementary school principal would play a recording of Florence Foster Jenkins giving free opera concerts. This women now was even worse.

The twosome next entered the exhibit’s snack bar. They see a woman with crooked little fingers serving the tea. She tells them she is grateful the local voc. rehabfor her current workk. She told them she found her true calling. She was born the way she was so she could be accepted as a professional tea pourer. She tells them she was constantly being fired from her typing jobs because of being born with little fingers she was incapable of straightening out. She lets Lynda and Seymour know its medical term is “Camptodactaly”

All the while, while Lynda and Seymour and others are walking throughout the exhibition a woman constantly bumps into them. They try to steer her in the proper direction. But as they do so, no matter how many times they try to redirect her, she winds up right back bumping into them. They realize she is part of the show. She is the woman with absolutely no sense of direction. She wears brown leather and white saddle oxfords with white anklet a cotton flared skirt just below her knees, with an elephant print, carnation pink long sleeved woolen top. Her posture is constantly leaning forward as if she is in a hurry. She wears thick horn rimmed tortoiseshell glasses. Her features are pointy, sharp. She goes by the name of Molly Sue Pendergrass.

Next the two comes across a man with Texas accent. He is wearing a Stetson hat, mahogony red cowboy boots with gold spurs, a red , white and blue flannel shirt. On his shirt is a Nascar fan button. He wears Wranglers Jeans. He’s 6’3 and built. He’s rugged looking like a middle aged Clint Eastwood. His thick Texas twang is so exotic to the locals. He is seen as a fascinating curiosity. They’ve never seen anything like him. They presume he’s from some exotic land.

Just then the local hermaphrodite noticed Seymour. The freak yells at him “Trying to get cop a feel. Look at those knockers at that babe.”

“You mind your own business you disgusting freak. I’ll tell you what you can do…. You can go f. yourself.”

The Hermaphrodite sneers You’re just jealous because I can”

“Lady Lynda is the one for me” responds Seymour Toze.

“Oh Seymour my hero. my dear, you are so clever”

“Thank you my darling. I think we’ve seen enough of this place. Let’s find our ways out of here so we can be together once more.

Dastardly Dame Lady Lynda

Dear FB, this is Auntie Carol, and you’re the only one I can trust right now. It’s about my friend, and Dastardly Dame, Lady Lynda. I am on my way over to her domicile to have fisticuffs with her. You see, she wants to put Joaquin Phoenix as head of our men’s club, a very exclusive club. So exclusive, in fact, that men frequently don’t even know they’re in it. I want Johnny Depp. Anyone can see he’s much better than Joaquin Phoenix! I’m going to kick her ass, and I deign to use such a vulgar term. It’s four hours later, and I have two black eyes, and a busted lip. I look like a very tall racoon.

Lady Lynda’s Society Niceity

Hello Darlings

When a woman of sophistication and proper upbringing  sees her male dermatologist one thing she must never say to him is the following:
Take my wart off,  take my skin tag off,…take my clothes off.

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do.  My true love, Seymour, is completely

true to me in his heart even though we haven’t

gone all the way.

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Idle Gossip – Lady Lynda

This is Lady Lynda.  Idle gossip will get you

nowhere.  Besides, A LADY NEVER TELLS!  I’m

still a virgin at thirty-five because I’m waiting for

the right man.  He well may be Seymour Toze.  It

will come to fisticuffs if you ever see him again,

Wanda Whore.

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This is Lady Lynda.  When a man is queer, it’s

just because he has not met the right girl.

What to do?  Enshroud him with quaint

witticisms and inspirational conversation.

Then pull your skirt over your head and shout,

“I’m a whole lot of woman and I need a whole lot

of man.  This works every time.

The Black Orchid replies,  “That will happen

when elephants fly!”

Agenda For Pudenda

When a member of the same sex approaches you,

run from the room, shrieking, “But, I’m going to

marry Johnny Depp.  I’m going to marry

Johnny Depp!”

The Black Orchid replies.  The love of a woman

can be a wonderful thing.  Women are like

precious flowers, fragrant and soft.  I eat

pomegranites as well as bananas if you receive


of Proper Young Womanhood, Wives, and

Mothers.  Never have Sex before marriage no

matter how fetching the man.  There are Rules

which I shall elucidate.

1)  Keep a clean house.

2)  Prepare nutricious food.

3)  Never stray, and have sex at least twice a

week.  Anymore would be too taxing.

4)  Occasionally, wear something pretty so he can

remember why he married you.  This could

mean lingerie.

5) Never nag and make him think he thought of

everything before you did.

6)  Read the newspaper so you can make

Roomful of Hooligans. Lady Lynda & Auntie Carol Teach at Mr Pequot Reform School for Wayward Boys

May 20, 2012 by auntiecarol69
I guess one can expect a little travail in life and Quelle Sorprese if you don’t. The boys had Pequot school exceeded our worst expectations. Heavens, wearing baseball hats backwards, tee shirts with skulls and and anime avatars on them, timberline boots or “sneaks” as they call them. Neitche reigns in the classroom and everyone’s a star. It’s kind of the cult of personality and in which, it conveys superiority. Nary a one wants to succeed at anything other than just being himself. And the comments, “Say are you ladies outtakes from the old Andy Griffith show. Who’s ‘Aunt Bea’?” “And the gloves, are you afraid to touch us. Like I couldn’t jerk off all by myself?” I admit our Ann Taylor suits of magenta and cyan and dress pumps probably were off putting as a number of teachers had taken to wearing “dress” jeans.But, a lady never apologizes for her attire for she is pristine in appearance and meign, and must remain stoic in the presence of rudeness. Some of these boys had actually committed felony offenses like robbery assault and battery, maybe even murder. Some did a lot of things and were never caught. That is my presumption.

How the World has changed. Lady Lynda piped up with something rather shocking, Well, guess what young man. They call me Grandma Dynamite and my co-heart here Helacious Carol, and we are “packing” and have no intention of taking your bullshit. I am Miz Lynda and she is Miz Carol and you will not comment on our appearance or anything else as we are some crazy bitches!” At that point she brought out a rather accurate toy gun which shot blanks. “I have no problem in offing you. It would just improve the overall gene pool. I assume you do more than masturbate, Well, maybe not. Just look at you. You look like Sarte of Bella Lugosi.”

There was a hushed silence for a few minutes then there was applause and lots of “You Go, Gurls.” The one called Francisco, a soulful looking Puerto Rican boy said, “You aint like any teachers we ever seen. Whatup? And who’s Sartre. I know Bella Lugosi and I don’t look like that ugly fucker.” I held up a book with his author’s picture and on the front these words, “Life is Absurd.” The other boys started laughing at Francisco, who, incidentally, was their leader. He raised and arm sweeping it across the room, and it went silent.

“The next laugh and I punch out your fuckin’ lights,” he snarled. “So, life is absurd, right? Or is it ‘nasty, short and brutish’ as Rousseau said.I’m a closet reader. Bet you both think I got shit for brains. Well, you’d be wrong. But it don’t pay to be intelligent.”

“No,” I said, “It doesn’t pay to be stupid. You’ve got it all wrong.”

“Lissen,” said Francisco, I got a sick mom and six little sisters to take care of. And you gone tell me not to deal no drugs. Eight dollars an hour don’t cut it, Madame.”

“I can see you’re a very bright young man, and I’m sure Lady Lynda concurs.We can and will help you whether you want it or not. We’re deadly serious. And what happens in this classroom stays in this classroom.”

“Whatcha gone do? Bring Jesus back so he can bless us with some fish and wine?”said Francisco.

“If, that’s what it takes, yes, ” said Lady Lynda.

“We plan to have you speaking the king’s English. The way you talk is a one way ticket to poverty. You have to play the game in life and speak, let me bring this down to your level, speak like the rich people.So you may pass amongst them and get them to pay you a decent salary, in your patois, you must talk white.” she further stated.

The bell rang and the boys sauntered out each with a smile on his face, And Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol did the “high three” sign which is far superior to the “high five” as it is half of “high five” and then some.

“Lady Lynda Reminesces”

Lady Lynda relaxed in her boudoir. The fairly newly married self proclaimed female etiquette exert wore her her long sleeved flannel carnation pink night gown. The one with the jaunty lace trim. Seymour Toze’s spouse purposely languidly laid upon the divan celebrating the Diva that become since being married to her gentleman friend of quite a few decades. She deemed herself the height of fortune to be of wedded bliss to her limit of patience , shoe salesman, fashion photographer. Lady Lynda loved the sound of her complete name Mrs Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze She felt so radiant. The once dowdy woman sighed as she reminesced Her goosebumps she felt when Toze finally placed that wedding ring on her third finger, right hand.

It was such a genteel occasion at the Temple Enoch Synagogue. Lady Lynda quipped she certainly knew who was knocking at her heart. She was definitely beyond the years she could be knocked up. She delicately giggled at her humor.He looked so chivalrous in his black tuxedo, starched white shirt and stylish black tie. Rabbi and motivational speaker Hugh R. Good said wedding vows.

It seemed rather eloquent how he so offered his hand in hers in holy matrimony. What felicity she felt. At last they were legal. Now he could do with her much more than play with her ten pretties. He could be ravenous with her and she’d love every moment. Of course she would reciprocate too. Fair is fair she demurely chuckled.

Yes she sweetly laid on the divan waiting for her man. Lady Lynda needed not to wait very long. She liked that phrase very long. It conjured up delightful images of her man, Seymour Toze. Being that he was merely 5’7 she mused she wasn’t referring to his height. She could hardly wait. She emphasized hard…ly .

Seymour was coming any moment from his free lance fashion photography. As she pictured his debonair handsome form entering the bedroom she blushed ever so expectently as she eagerly waited for his entrance. Yes it would be so very hard to be patient. She was an Aries and that is the most impatient Star Sign. But she must be the essence of patience.

At last her husband Seymour Toze sauntered in into with a savoir faire that being married to the lady he loved could muster. Lady Lynda was more than ready for him. She was eager and comely. Waiting for him to come to her. At last her wish came true. The prepping for her etiquette tour was now put on hold

Charity Should Begin at Home


“Darling,  charity begins at home. Auntie Carol told her mate.  You know that Emma.  Just because you went on to get a doctorate in psychology doesn’t mean everyone has a splendid mind as is yours.  Some people just need a little more help.  Your colleages at The World’s Cheapest Freak Show  lost their jobs  and they requested our help, I told them that our mansion  could house them all  They could stay here until they got on their feet. Or in the case of Francesco Letinis grandnephew back on his three feet.   I just assumed  you’d be okay with it,” said Auntie Carol   That poor dear woman with absolutely no sense of direction.  That piteable man from Texas.    He must of been seen as exotic to those folks in Intercourse PA   The woman who was completely tonedeaf who insisted on singing German Opera at the top of her voice and last but certainly not least the star of the show , a man with a deviated septum.”

 “Well, said Emma puffed up like a cobra waiting to strike, ”I am not okay w I never wanted to see those losers again!” explained Herman/Emma.  The Hermaphrodite from the “World’s Cheapest Freakshow”

 “Well, methinks Thee are suffering from a case of hubris. You know pride goes before the fall, dear, Emma,” said Auntie Carol

 “It’s not even it. I despise them.  They accepted the appellation of “freaks” and did not take control of their lives as I did.  How could you possibly know what working in a tent and letting crass strangers  stare at you was like.  It was demeaning and I don’t want to be reminded of my other life.  When I got my doctorate in Psychology I was free of all that and now, Carol you want me to turn back the pages of time, ”retorted Emma, who looked stunning  in a black lace peignoir and seven inch stilettos. For added drama, the lingerie was fraught with ostrich feathers and she smelled of tea rose perfume. She further said, “I can’t imagine any of them transcending their conditions.  When this world tells you that you are a freak of nature, I say I am Doctor Sherman, and pardon you.  I worked so hard of to get where I am.  I don’t want to be reminded of that timemplace!  Who did you invite?”

 “Well, Larry Lazardo Lizard man, the Siamese twin, Colette and Coquette, and the man from Texas.  Lord knows we’ve got the room for them with eight bedrooms and three full bathrooms.   Space is no issue. Please, darling, Emma let me do this good deed.” Auntie Carol pleaded.

“Oh no, Larry Lazardo, that glad hander, blow hard and he  throwing himself  at pretty women.   It’s better to invite a werewolf than him.  And the twins are constantly bickering because Coquette is a slut and Collette is saving herself. Collette’s always saying to Coquette, ‘The things you make me do, sister. You know it isn’t right’ “Then Collette says she insists on being a virgin til she is engaged. Coquette says ‘Then let says I like to try out the merchandise.    Oh that Coquette is a mean one and has a mouth on her.  I sometimes used to feel sorry for Collette. Sometimes they get in fisticuffs and busted lips and black eyes. Coquette dresses so suggestively.  Use your imaginations darling. I’ll just tell she wears high platform shoes while Collette wears prim pastel dresses on the other side and is given to reading scripture while her sister is such a hussy with the men.    It is Coquette, the dominant one, who makes the money.  Collette tries really hard to convert her sister and recites passages in the Bible involving boils and pustules for those who stray while her sister just  ignores it until she’s had enough then clouts her on the ear or face.  They can never agree and never even eat the same food.  They throw dice to determine which one will get control of the day.  I suspect Coquette has some loaded dice because she always wins,” said Emma.

“Carol ,you probably invited the “Man from Texas”, Emma continued, “because you’ve got the hots for him at some level because he is a southern gentleman. Shades of Jack Daniels, BarBQ. spurs to rake the sides of broncos. You’ll never get him to speak the King’s English.  As I know he has the dream of doing phone customer service. His raison d’etre. I think he’s the most capable one  if his completely unintelligible Texan Drawl can be cured.  The  sisters could work at grocery store checkout like the Daisy and VIolet Hilton  sisters.      

“Carol, there has to be a time when you throw down the gauntlet and says, ‘I Am and nothing can stop me.”  I don’t know how to help Larry Lazardo but I’m thinking auto mechanic as he was  always good at fixing things.  I just can’t stand how he lives on super sweet kids cereal and  and nothing else. Character is Destiny.

A Wife’s Sacred Duty to her Husband according to Auntie Carol

Desdemona was unjustly accused. Othello’s was a detestable lout”, Auntie Carol thought as she spray starched he husband’s work shirts. She mused about the unjustness of it all. Herman would never fall prey to an iago, the hateful wretch. “I am so happy to have my Herman/Emma Enigma, (Herman, of course was a hermaphrodite and a psycho therapist.) One couldn’t tell whether he was coming or going, so to speak and he had two separate personalities, a man and a woman. He was a specialist in dissociative disorders. Who better?

Auntie Carol took pride in her role as “help-mate” to her husband. She believed in being
the woman behind the man.” Every evening she greeted him with a “hello, darling “ and a kiss just like on “Father Knows Best”, an old 50s sit com. As the Bible says, “Cleave unto your man.” This was her motto. Every evening she was there with his slippers, his Wall Street Journal, and a snifter of delightfully smoth Remy Martin. He settled into his cozy chair, and she sat in his lap like a smiling geisha. She cheered his victories and put salve on his wounds She would say, “Darling, the girl was a bipolar noir poet. She had a bad attitude about life. You couldn’t have prevented her suicide.”

“Darling, I just abhor all those hoity toity career woman who have this drive to achieve. A woman’s place is behind a man to shore him up form life’s disappointments. After all it is an honor to stand in reflected light,” said Auntie Carol. “ By the way, dear, I’ve prepared a scrumptious dinner. Beef Bourgeonne. Green beans almondine, fruit compote a la Truman Compote and Key Lime Pie. And we shall have Patron Margaritas, your fave!! Nothing is too good for my man.”

“What did I do to deserve such a woman, said Herman.

“You proposed, Darling. You proposed,” replied Auntie Carol.A WIFE’S SACRED DUTY TO HER HUSBAND
“Desdemona was unjustly accused. Othello’s was a detestable lout”, Auntie Carol thought as she spray starched he husband’s work shirts. She mused about the unjustness of it all. Herman would never fall prey to an iago, the hateful wretch. “I am so happy to have my Herman/Emma Enigma, (Herman, of course was a hermaphrodite and a psycho therapist.) One couldn’t tell whether he was coming or going, so to speak and he had two separate personalities, a man and a woman. He was a specialist in dissociative disorders. Who better?

.“What did I do to deserve such a woman, said Herman.

“You proposed, Darling. You proposed,” replied Auntie Carol

By Carol Anne Bond and Lynne Appell