Dear FB, this is Auntie Carol, and you’re the only one I can trust right now. It’s about my friend, and Dastardly Dame, Lady Lynda. I am on my way over to her domicile to have fisticuffs with her. You see, she wants to put Joaquin Phoenix as head of our men’s club, a very exclusive club. So exclusive, in fact, that men frequently don’t even know they’re in it. I want Johnny Depp. Anyone can see he’s much better than Joaquin Phoenix! I’m going to kick her ass, and I deign to use such a vulgar term. It’s four hours later, and I have two black eyes, and a busted lip. I look like a very tall racoon.
When a woman of sophistication and proper upbringing sees her male dermatologist one thing she must never say to him is the following:
Take my wart off, take my skin tag off,…take my clothes off.
do. My true love, Seymour, is completely
true to me in his heart even though we haven’t
gone all the way.
This is Lady Lynda. Idle gossip will get you
nowhere. Besides, A LADY NEVER TELLS! I’m
still a virgin at thirty-five because I’m waiting for
the right man. He well may be Seymour Toze. It
will come to fisticuffs if you ever see him again,
This is Lady Lynda. When a man is queer, it’s
just because he has not met the right girl.
What to do? Enshroud him with quaint
witticisms and inspirational conversation.
Then pull your skirt over your head and shout,
“I’m a whole lot of woman and I need a whole lot
of man. This works every time.
The Black Orchid replies, “That will happen
when elephants fly!”
When a member of the same sex approaches you,
run from the room, shrieking, “But, I’m going to
marry Johnny Depp. I’m going to marry
The Black Orchid replies. The love of a woman
can be a wonderful thing. Women are like
precious flowers, fragrant and soft. I eat
pomegranites as well as bananas if you receive
of Proper Young Womanhood, Wives, and
Mothers. Never have Sex before marriage no
matter how fetching the man. There are Rules
which I shall elucidate.
1) Keep a clean house.
2) Prepare nutricious food.
3) Never stray, and have sex at least twice a
week. Anymore would be too taxing.
4) Occasionally, wear something pretty so he can
remember why he married you. This could
5) Never nag and make him think he thought of
everything before you did.
6) Read the newspaper so you can make
ULL OF HOOLIGANS
May 20, 2012 by auntiecarol69
I guess one can expect a little travail in life and Quelle Sorprese if you don’t. The boys had Pequot school exceeded our worst expectations. Heavens, wearing baseball hats backwards, tee shirts with skulls and and anime avatars on them, timberline boots or “sneaks” as they call them. Neitche reigns in the classroom and everyone’s a star. It’s kind of the cult of personality and in which, it conveys superiority. Nary a one wants to succeed at anything other than just being himself. And the comments, “Say are you ladies outtakes from the old Andy Griffith show. Who’s ‘Aunt Bea’?” “And the gloves, are you afraid to touch us. Like I couldn’t jerk off all by myself?” I admit our Ann Taylor suits of magenta and cyan and dress pumps probably were off putting as a number of teachers had taken to wearing “dress” jeans.But, a lady never apologizes for her attire for she is pristine in appearance and meign, and must remain stoic in the presence of rudeness. Some of these boys had actually committed felony offenses like robbery assault and battery, maybe even murder. Some did a lot of things and were never caught. That is my presumption.
How the World has changed. Lady Lynda piped up with something rather shocking, Well, guess what young man. They call me Grandma Dynamite and my co-heart here Helacious Carol, and we are “packing” and have no intention of taking your bullshit. I am Miz Lynda and she is Miz Carol and you will not comment on our appearance or anything else as we are some crazy bitches!” At that point she brought out a rather accurate toy gun which shot blanks. “I have no problem in offing you. It would just improve the overall gene pool. I assume you do more than masturbate, Well, maybe not. Just look at you. You look like Sarte of Bella Lugosi.”
There was a hushed silence for a few minutes then there was applause and lots of “You Go, Gurls.” The one called Francisco, a soulful looking Puerto Rican boy said, “You aint like any teachers we ever seen. Whatup? And who’s Sartre. I know Bella Lugosi and I don’t look like that ugly fucker.” I held up a book with his author’s picture and on the front these words, “Life is Absurd.” The other boys started laughing at Francisco, who, incidentally, was their leader. He raised and arm sweeping it across the room, and it went silent.
“The next laugh and I punch out your fuckin’ lights,” he snarled. “So, life is absurd, right? Or is it ‘nasty, short and brutish’ as Rousseau said.I’m a closet reader. Bet you both think I got shit for brains. Well, you’d be wrong. But it don’t pay to be intelligent.”
“No,” I said, “It doesn’t pay to be stupid. You’ve got it all wrong.”
“Lissen,” said Francisco, I got a sick mom and six little sisters to take care of. And you gone tell me not to deal no drugs. Eight dollars an hour don’t cut it, Madame.”
“I can see you’re a very bright young man, and I’m sure Lady Lynda concurs.We can and will help you whether you want it or not. We’re deadly serious. And what happens in this classroom stays in this classroom.”
“Whatcha gone do? Bring Jesus back so he can bless us with some fish and wine?”said Francisco.
“If, that’s what it takes, yes, ” said Lady Lynda.
“We plan to have you speaking the king’s English. The way you talk is a one way ticket to poverty. You have to play the game in life and speak, let me bring this down to your level, speak like the rich people.So you may pass amongst them and get them to pay you a decent salary, in your patois, you must talk white.” she further stated.
The bell rang and the boys sauntered out each with a smile on his face, And Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol did the “high three” sign which is far superior to the “high five” as it is half of “high five” and then some.
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When a woman of sophistication and proper upbringing sees her male dermatologist one thing she must never say to him is
Take my wart off, take my skin tag off,…take my clothes off. No exceptions whatsoever.
Lady Lynda relaxed in her boudoir. The fairly newly married self proclaimed female etiquette exert wore her her long sleeved flannel carnation pink night gown. The one with the jaunty lace trim. Seymour Toze’s spouse purposely languidly laid upon the divan celebrating the Diva that become since being married to her gentleman friend of quite a few decades. She deemed herself the height of fortune to be of wedded bliss to her limit of patience , shoe salesman, fashion photographer. Lady Lynda loved the sound of her complete name Mrs Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze She felt so radiant. The once dowdy woman sighed as she reminesced Her goosebumps she felt when Toze finally placed that wedding ring on her third finger, right hand.
It was such a genteel occasion at the Temple Enoch Synagogue. Lady Lynda quipped she certainly knew who was knocking at her heart. She was definitely beyond the years she could be knocked up. She delicately giggled at her humor.He looked so chivalrous in his black tuxedo, starched white shirt and stylish black tie. Rabbi and motivational speaker Hugh R. Good said wedding vows.
It seemed rather eloquent how he so offered his hand in hers in holy matrimony. What felicity she felt. At last they were legal. Now he could do with her much more than play with her ten pretties. He could be ravenous with her and she’d love every moment. Of course she would reciprocate too. Fair is fair she demurely chuckled.
Yes she sweetly laid on the divan waiting for her man. Lady Lynda needed not to wait very long. She liked that phrase very long. It conjured up delightful images of her man, Seymour Toze. Being that he was merely 5’7 she mused she wasn’t referring to his height. She could hardly wait. She emphasized hard…ly .
Seymour was coming any moment from his free lance fashion photography. As she pictured his debonair handsome form entering the bedroom she blushed ever so expectently as she eagerly waited for his entrance. Yes it would be so very hard to be patient. She was an Aries and that is the most impatient Star Sign. But she must be the essence of patience.
At last her husband Seymour Toze sauntered in into with a savoir faire that being married to the lady he loved could muster. Lady Lynda was more than ready for him. She was eager and comely. Waiting for him to come to her. At last her wish came true. The prepping for her etiquette tour was now put on hold
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER The opinions and views of the characters in this blog do not necessarily reflect my personal opinions and views. These are fictional characters . They are not based on anybody I personally know or heard of. This entire blog is fiction.
“Darling, charity begins at home. Auntie Carol told her mate. You know that Emma. Just because you went on to get a doctorate in psychology doesn’t mean everyone has a splendid mind as is yours. Some people just need a little more help. Your colleages at The World’s Cheapest Freak Show lost their jobs and they requested our help, I told them that our mansion could house them all They could stay here until they got on their feet. Or in the case of Francesco Letinis grandnephew back on his three feet. I just assumed you’d be okay with it,” said Auntie Carol That poor dear woman with absolutely no sense of direction. That piteable man from Texas. He must of been seen as exotic to those folks in Intercourse PA The woman who was completely tonedeaf who insisted on singing German Opera at the top of her voice and last but certainly not least the star of the show , a man with a deviated septum.”
“Well, said Emma puffed up like a cobra waiting to strike, ”I am not okay w I never wanted to see those losers again!” explained Herman/Emma. The Hermaphrodite from the “World’s Cheapest Freakshow”
“Well, methinks Thee are suffering from a case of hubris. You know pride goes before the fall, dear, Emma,” said Auntie Carol
“It’s not even it. I despise them. They accepted the appellation of “freaks” and did not take control of their lives as I did. How could you possibly know what working in a tent and letting crass strangers stare at you was like. It was demeaning and I don’t want to be reminded of my other life. When I got my doctorate in Psychology I was free of all that and now, Carol you want me to turn back the pages of time, ”retorted Emma, who looked stunning in a black lace peignoir and seven inch stilettos. For added drama, the lingerie was fraught with ostrich feathers and she smelled of tea rose perfume. She further said, “I can’t imagine any of them transcending their conditions. When this world tells you that you are a freak of nature, I say I am Doctor Sherman, and pardon you. I worked so hard of to get where I am. I don’t want to be reminded of that timemplace! Who did you invite?”
“Well, Larry Lazardo Lizard man, the Siamese twin, Colette and Coquette, and the man from Texas. Lord knows we’ve got the room for them with eight bedrooms and three full bathrooms. Space is no issue. Please, darling, Emma let me do this good deed.” Auntie Carol pleaded.
“Oh no, Larry Lazardo, that glad hander, blow hard and he throwing himself at pretty women. It’s better to invite a werewolf than him. And the twins are constantly bickering because Coquette is a slut and Collette is saving herself. Collette’s always saying to Coquette, ‘The things you make me do, sister. You know it isn’t right’ “Then Collette says she insists on being a virgin til she is engaged. Coquette says ‘Then let says I like to try out the merchandise. Oh that Coquette is a mean one and has a mouth on her. I sometimes used to feel sorry for Collette. Sometimes they get in fisticuffs and busted lips and black eyes. Coquette dresses so suggestively. Use your imaginations darling. I’ll just tell she wears high platform shoes while Collette wears prim pastel dresses on the other side and is given to reading scripture while her sister is such a hussy with the men. It is Coquette, the dominant one, who makes the money. Collette tries really hard to convert her sister and recites passages in the Bible involving boils and pustules for those who stray while her sister just ignores it until she’s had enough then clouts her on the ear or face. They can never agree and never even eat the same food. They throw dice to determine which one will get control of the day. I suspect Coquette has some loaded dice because she always wins,” said Emma.
“Carol ,you probably invited the “Man from Texas”, Emma continued, “because you’ve got the hots for him at some level because he is a southern gentleman. Shades of Jack Daniels, BarBQ. spurs to rake the sides of broncos. You’ll never get him to speak the King’s English. As I know he has the dream of doing phone customer service. His raison d’etre. I think he’s the most capable one if his completely unintelligible Texan Drawl can be cured. The sisters could work at grocery store checkout like the Daisy and VIolet Hilton sisters.
“Carol, there has to be a time when you throw down the gauntlet and says, ‘I Am and nothing can stop me.” I don’t know how to help Larry Lazardo but I’m thinking auto mechanic as he was always good at fixing things. I just can’t stand how he lives on super sweet kids cereal and and nothing else. Character is Destiny.
Desdemona was unjustly accused. Othello’s was a detestable lout”, Auntie Carol thought as she spray starched he husband’s work shirts. She mused about the unjustness of it all. Herman would never fall prey to an iago, the hateful wretch. “I am so happy to have my Herman/Emma Enigma, (Herman, of course was a hermaphrodite and a psycho therapist.) One couldn’t tell whether he was coming or going, so to speak and he had two separate personalities, a man and a woman. He was a specialist in dissociative disorders. Who better?
Auntie Carol took pride in her role as “help-mate” to her husband. She believed in being
the woman behind the man.” Every evening she greeted him with a “hello, darling “ and a kiss just like on “Father Knows Best”, an old 50s sit com. As the Bible says, “Cleave unto your man.” This was her motto. Every evening she was there with his slippers, his Wall Street Journal, and a snifter of delightfully smoth Remy Martin. He settled into his cozy chair, and she sat in his lap like a smiling geisha. She cheered his victories and put salve on his wounds She would say, “Darling, the girl was a bipolar noir poet. She had a bad attitude about life. You couldn’t have prevented her suicide.”
“Darling, I just abhor all those hoity toity career woman who have this drive to achieve. A woman’s place is behind a man to shore him up form life’s disappointments. After all it is an honor to stand in reflected light,” said Auntie Carol. “ By the way, dear, I’ve prepared a scrumptious dinner. Beef Bourgeonne. Green beans almondine, fruit compote a la Truman Compote and Key Lime Pie. And we shall have Patron Margaritas, your fave!! Nothing is too good for my man.”
“What did I do to deserve such a woman, said Herman.
“You proposed, Darling. You proposed,” replied Auntie Carol.A WIFE’S SACRED DUTY TO HER HUSBAND
“Desdemona was unjustly accused. Othello’s was a detestable lout”, Auntie Carol thought as she spray starched he husband’s work shirts. She mused about the unjustness of it all. Herman would never fall prey to an iago, the hateful wretch. “I am so happy to have my Herman/Emma Enigma, (Herman, of course was a hermaphrodite and a psycho therapist.) One couldn’t tell whether he was coming or going, so to speak and he had two separate personalities, a man and a woman. He was a specialist in dissociative disorders. Who better?
.“What did I do to deserve such a woman, said Herman.
“You proposed, Darling. You proposed,” replied Auntie Carol
By Carol Anne Bond and Lynne Appell
Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol are two middled aged self proclaimed etiquitte experts and lets say, rather set ways in how they view modern society. They believe in 50s style morality in the 21st Century. That means young men and young women should consistently take care to dress properly at all times. Teenage boys should look like gentlemen and young ladies should be the opitomy of ladies. They should behave properly on every occasion. A litte pease, thank you, your welcome never harmed anyone. And of course they should repsect their elders, especially their parents.
Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol presumed the youth of today were bought up by a mother and a father. Not single parents or gay couples. The two biddies were for rights for all and no group was excepted. But being so old fashion they were only used to the usual status quo.
Lady Lynda is called that because no matter what situation she is in she always acts like a lady. Auntie Carol does too but she is much more outgoing and friendly. She is called Auntie because she is like everyone’s cheery aunt.
Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol are professional manners experts.. They are the manners matrons. There are different professions throughout the blog. One of them are teachers are special schools. One for girls and one for boys.
Lastly Lady Lynda’s full name is Lady Lynda Mae Hoffenfetter Toze.
Auntie Carol’s is Auntie Carol Hermanemma. More about that later.