Lady Lynda is enjoying recollecting her first lecture. The woman
is thinking how it is evolving into helping people with
disabilities work in the workplace.
Lady Lynda stepped up from the wood side steps to the stage. Once she got there her signs of nervousness disappeared. She quickly perused the mostly young to middle aged crowd. Her observation was couples in various ethnic groups, including blacks and Hispanics. She tastefully cleared her throat and started lecturing. The middle aged woman looked demure in her lemon chiffon sheath.
“I am truly grateful you came here to see my teach you proper manners. Can you imagine how thrilled I am to be on this tour. I want to thank you from the cockles of my heart…”
Suddenly a young rowdy male teenager in tee and jeans yelled “WTF lady!!!”
Lady Lynda replied “My dear young man. I understand what you are trying to say. Allow me to tell you my talk is only tonight. I’m terribly sorry but its not Wednesday, Thursday, Friday too.”
Lady Lynda partook from the cup nearby. “Its only water. I think it was be the height of impropriety to drink something stronger. I’m certain you get my drift. Getting back to my talk. Etiquette is the art of making people feel comfortable. Specifically my mission is to save young womenkind of hellocious influence of this dastardly world. Do your utmost never to disparage anyone. If you need to do so, do it discreetly. In that way they won’t get hurt. As they say what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Please don’t comment on disparities too. For instance if you see a man whose 2’8” and a man whose over 8′ don’t say well thats the short and the tall of it. Pardon the sentiment of telling a person with different colored eyes. Well one blew this and the other blew that way. These two examples bring back the time Seymour and I visited the World Cheapest Freak Show in Intercourse PA. Stop tittering. That’s the height of decadence. I forlornly remember the star freak was a man with a deviated septum. The poor dear I thought but for the grace of the LORD there go I. Here’s a different example If you ever meet siblings who were born conjoined twins never mention the song by Peaches and Herb “Reunited. I deign believe it would traumatize the poor dears. Let them go their separate ways. I recall some years ago a dear woman friend called me in the middle of night. She was utterly distraught discovering her favorite male movie star was bald. I consoled her by mentioning ‘Look what he’d save in hair products. Why the snickering?” Lady Lynda inquired puzzled and rather miffed.
Some slutty young woman yelled “That’s not the only benefit. Besides I could really use a “Snickers” right now. as she snickered.
“Pray tell what ever could be some other good in being hair deprived?
A sassy young woman dressed in a purple shag hair style, matching make up in the latest Goth fashion yelled “A different benefit comes to be me right away” She emphasized the word comes ever so slightly but enough that many of the individuals there quickly understood her drift.
Lady Lynda still puzzled decided to ignore the woman who so intensely reminded her of the female charges of the “Charm School for Wayward Girls” If only this dear waif was so unfortunate not be part of her class. Maybe if she ignored her crude remark and continued on with her talk, the poor dear just might learn a thing about proper manners. Such as not interrupting with crude remarks.
Lady Lynda continued smoothing out her fine lemon chiffon dress to regain her composure. “Moving on I remember the other day I was walking through the corridor of a subway station. A young man came up to me and said he wanted to let his thing do its thing with me. I told him of course constructively yet firmly. That was the worst pick up line ever!!!” Besides thing is such a general term. He looked peeved at me but it was for his own edification. I told you won’t impress if you are redundant. Let me repeat. Noone likes someone who uses redundancies.”
“Speaking of being redundant I hope you were edified by my talk
and I continue my tour. I wish you adeiu my dears.”
Lady Lynda sat there glumly on her paisley upholstered sofa
contemplating what precisely came in effect because of her
etiquette teachings to the students. How edifying was her
teachings? Yes it was true there was a soiree but what happened
next? Yes what did happen? Did her as they say on that new fangled
net , her BFF Auntie Carol. Did she know?
There was this Lourdes, aka Lala and her gentleman friend Francisco. She of the Charm School for Wayward Girls. He of The Pequot Reform School for Dastardly Bastards. That ruffian was no gentleman when she first met him. Lady Lynda reminisced. She thought of the Latino Francisco, olive skin, and ebony eyes. His face was a stark contrast in disconcerting dissonance. His lady friend Lala was olive, statuesque, voluptious. Lourdes was an apt name for her for Lord knows how she’d turn out. Auntie Carol’s colleague remembered her experiences with the wayward girls and the dastardly bastards, las Combronas. She recalled most specifically the remarkably handsome Francisco and Lala. Her successes in inculcating in proper deportment. She made them former neer do wells. That was her shining hour and her crowning glory. Now her spirits brightened and knew what to tell her potential agent.
The woman was still nervous as she dialed the phone. This time she was feeling somewhat more confident.
Lady Lynda Finds Her Niche
Lady Lynda forlornly thought of how she missed lecturing the young women of the charm school for wayward girls. She felt a tinge of melancholy thinking of how her learned words of wisdom would never be heard by those dear grateful young men of Mr. Pequots Reform School for Dastardly Bastards. She sighed as she pondered how her male charges , how some of them would always be bastards in the literal sense but they were now dastardly no more. Conversely the girls were now refined young women. Both graduates were ready to take their place in the civilized world. She turned those bestial boys into if not perfect gentlemen, ready for civil society. It was a dim chance t the female students would ignorantly blather away at vulgar nonsense. Lady Lynda felt a warm feeling in the cockles of her heart. Her mood was decidedly blithe as she reflected on how her woman friend Auntie Carol and her dramatically changed such unfortunate wretch’s lives significantly for the better.
Auntie Carol’s faithful colleague was feeling a sense of emptiness. Yes the student of both schools could get a bit unruly she admitted. .Mrs Seymour Toze reluctantly remembered how it was a challenge to gain their respect. It was like getting an Orthodox Rabbi to eat a Ham and Cheese sandwich. In a way she couldn’t blame them as she tried to see how she and Auntie Carol were initially perceived from their perspective. Two dowdy fuddy duddy middle aged woman who if the girl’s vocabulary was sophisticated enough would of seen them as dowagers. Yet from her perspective, she was a lady and a sophisticated, cultured one at that.
Now it was up to her to somehow fill the void in her life. Yes there was of course Seymour but he was busy with his day job as a shoe salesman and pedicurist at the “Into Leather” shoe store. Plus his moonlighting as a freelance fashion photographer who specialized in taking photos of women in open toed spiked or stiletto heels. The woman reflecting back on her time with her students came to the conclusion that lecturing was her forte.
It was what she did best. Her time giving talks to the students of both of the schools proved that. She fondly recalled how they listened intensely to what ever she told them. They seemed like barbarous hordes before they eventfully became civilized. Thanks to Lady Lynda and Auntie Carol instilling in them a firm sense of decency and proper manners. No more would they, especially the boys be baneful threats to society. Instead they would know their place and not look bedraggled/ They would be the epitomy of gentlemanly deportment. In place of belligerence there would be true respect for societal mores.This would be true of the girls too.
Lady Lynda lamented the times when she her colleague in arms, Auntie Carol experienced tough times trying to get through to the ruffians in each of the schools. She reflected how beleagered she was as she tried to teach them proper etiquette. Yet despite the troubles , eventually she and her partner did bequeath upon them the essential manners for polite society. Looking back Lady Lynda thought, bemused that if she can make these swaggering braggarts become civilized than she could do for virtually everybody. She found her niche. Her mission would be to lecture on the importance of proper manners. Her clients would include people with disabilities, physical, mental and developmental.
The people with disabilities that we are recently in contact are not nearly as the poor dear unfortionates. They are the ones that bear the brunt of their major calamaty. How calamitous suffering from being singing impaired. The ones we encountered at “the World’s Cheapest Freak Show” in Intercourse PA . I’m recalling the lady with no sense of direction. I’m afraid she’s wandering around like Hamlet’s ghost. I am reminded o that movie, “FreaKs” where the little people attack the full size floozy girl.
“I think I do. Remember last night we watched the 30s movie cult classic “Freaks” The one directed by Todd Browning who directed “Dracula” with Bela Legosi. From a story by Tom Robbins “Spurs” They were really freaky there. the half boy whose body stopped at the rib cage and the fat lady, the Siamese twin sisters who looked like they were stapled together, Daisy and Violet Hilton, the other Hilton sisters, the bearded woman, the ultra thin man, the pinheads medical name microcephalics, the He she, others. Oh those twin sisters were really close to each other. But not nearly as close as we are to each other. You know the fat lady reminds me the career counselor at the special school in Allentown told super fat Mike how as long as there was a side show he’d never fear unemployment. He was at least three hundred pounds at 5’5″ That was so dear of him to look after FatMike’s welfare.
“Getting back to the people with disabilities that we are helping in their quest to work. I’d like to emphasis the fact that we must emphasis what they can do vs what they can’t. Lets as the saying goes accent the positive. Most everyone possesses useful qualities. The thing is to recognize that fact and proceed from there. First we need to discover the skills. Remember they are much more fortunate than the poor freaks we saw a couple years ago. At least they don’t suffer from a lack of direction, a post nasal drip, or their little finger forever curled like a curly quo. ”
Lady Lynda entered the classroom feeling terrorized
the brazen girls of the charm school for wayward
girls. It was this way every time she tried to teach manners
lessons to them.
“. The next moment she was in front of
the students. Her prim carnation pink wool suit suited
her well. The woman’s opaque stockings and flat black
leather shoes matched her demeanor well. Her salt and pepper hair done in a conservative style “Leave it to be Beaver’s June Cleaver’s . Her makeup was tasteful,,mascara, hint of pink rose on her lips. Immediately before her talk she quickly pinched her rounded cheeks for a rosy glow The thirtyish woman the persistent presence of her little white gloves.That made her reminescent of Disney cartoon characters.
The teen girls sit sullen in their wooden chairs, behind their matching desks. They look glum as if this is the last place they want to be. Mrs Toze oblivious to their expression blithely continues her talk.
“Hello class Welcome to Etiquette 101. I would love for you to think of here as your manner manor. A little word play for your amusement. Were it not for manners, our world would have been blown up long ago. Manners are your entre into the world of high society and I’m sure you’ll be glad of this at your Coming Out Ball.” Mrs Seymour Toze immediately notices on the faces of the teens a look of consternation.
“At any rate we are here to teach you the ins and outs of behaving mannerly.”
Just then one of the more insolent girls dressed in a tank top
and tight denim skirt so high it might as
swell be a
belt, quipped. “In and out reminds of something I
really could use right now.”
“I know what you’re referring to. The proper term is coitis. Sex is too mundane a word to describe such a woman’s most precious activity,and is permissible only in the confines of a sanctified marriage. Do not cheapen your most precious possession, your virginity!” intoned Lady Lynda.
Suddenly an adolescent girl’s bubble gum burst on her face. Lady Lynda told her she was the height of rudeness. The girl apologized. She then proceeded to scrape the gum off her face and stick it underneath her desk. Lady Lynda looks on in horror and disgust.
Lady Lynda said “Did you ever realize about the germs on that gum. How you’re spreading disease. What if radiation caused it to change it into a giant pink blob that devours people! Ever think of that?!!!